Anger: The eyes blaze and glitter. The cheeks flush and the lips quiver. The muscles swell and are filled with a monstrous urge to destroy something. Even the hair stands on end. This could be a description of the transformation of Dr Banner into the Incredible Hulk. This is not the way to be angry.
Some might suggest that if you are only a bit angry right now, you are not paying attention to the way the world appears to be right now.
What is the history of anger?
Anger is a positive emotion that should never be buried. It should also never be acted upon with aggression. So, just how do you express anger assertively?
Anger
A history of anger
Roman Stoic philosopher Seneca described anger in one of the most influential and oldest anger-management texts in existence: 'De Ira' – 'Of Anger' – written during the first century CE. Seneca considered anger "The most hideous and frenzied of all the emotions", a "Brief insanity" during which we are closer to a wild animal than a civilised person. He thought, as had Aristotle before him, that it was caused by feeling demeaned or insulted. And though he did recognise that anger could be useful for warriors on the battlefield, he thought it had no place in the market squares and palace corridors of Rome. Here, rages could only bring disruption: Bitter quarrels and outbursts later to be regretted. So he advised exercising restraint at anger’s first jolt, and rationally reflecting on the situation instead.
Anger is an unruly class of emotion. It includes simmering resentment and fits of pique; tantrums caused by exasperation, and sudden flares of rage and projection. It can be frighteningly contained, or else frenzied and physically violent. It can become abusive, ruining marriages and costing us jobs, yet, it also stokes political action, goads us into working harder, and leads us to war.
Is anger better out than in?
You might think the idea that expressing anger is good for our health ('better out than in') is a modern one. Not so. Some medieval and early modern doctors were also enthusiastic about unleashing fury. Though anger could deplete the body’s vital spirits, there were times when it was thought beneficial. The eleventh-century Islamic scholar Ibn Butlan explained that since anger directed the body’s heat to the extremities, it could revive those who had become flaccid and bed-bound through illness. He even thought it could cure paralysis. Four centuries later, in a plague tract written in 1490, the physician Lluís Alcanyís reported a story about a doctor who treated a patient for extreme weakness by sitting at the patient’s bedside continually reminding him of slights from the past: the patient recovered. But the beneficial warming effects of anger did not end there. In his 'Cure of Old Age, and Preservation of Youth', the thirteenth-century physician and alchemist Roger Bacon argued that getting frequently infuriated could slow the aging process thought caused by the body becoming cooler and drier as it neared death. Anger, then, rather than the latest diet fads and expensive creams was thought to give that zest for life and youthful glow coveted as much then as it is today.
Perhaps its one fixed point, the question to which those who have written about anger over the centuries return again and again, is whether it ought to be expressed. "I wish you’d get angry, so that we could have it out, so that we could get it out in the open," says Diane Keaton in Woody Allen’s Manhattan (1979). To which Allen responds, "I don’t get angry, okay. I mean, I have a tendency to internalise ... I grow a tumour instead." Never bury your anger or any other emotion - it's like trying to hold a football under water - it will always surface around the sides of your hand eventually with a dramatic ending and an upward splash.
In the early twentieth century the idea of healthily venting anger gained momentum. Sigmund Freud had argued that repressed emotions could cause physical symptoms ranging from headaches to gastric disturbances. Armed with this insight, a battalion of psychologists and psychiatrists in mid-twentieth-century Britain and America turned their attention to unleashing their patients’ pent-up rage. One example of this approach was the ‘ventilation therapy’ practised at Synanon addiction rehabilitation centres in
California in the late 1950s. During group therapy sessions, patients were encouraged to goad one another to dig deeper into their emotional pain. It usually didn’t take long before someone snapped – and the healing was thought to begin. 'Primal Scream Therapy' and even R. D. Laing’s therapeutic community at Kingsley Hall in the late 1960s in Britain, similarly saw the expression of anger as a breakthrough in the therapeutic process. An outburst of rage was held to express an individual’s authentic identity, breaking down the false selves that patients had erected to help them cope with living in a dishonest world. These therapists believed rage could reconnect patients to their true selves, releasing them from the addictions or madness which had become their refuge. For some, it worked.
Today’s psychotherapists are less interested in provoking cathartic or ‘authentic’ displays of rage than in trying to understand where anger comes from – and why we sometimes need it to help us cope with our lives. Anger flares up in strange and unexpected ways. A common response to the pain of being criticised or discovering we have been treated unfairly, anger can motivate us to try harder. But a burst of rage can benefit us in other ways too. It can create a release of muscular tension, temporarily subduing other, often more uncomfortable emotions, such as fear, or feelings of unworthiness. Perhaps an angry outburst might help us manage guilty feelings: By erupting at someone else, we shift the blame and temporarily give ourselves some relief. In these cases, anger might seem ‘authentic’, but psychoanalysts suggest it can be a decoy, a flash-in-the-pan outburst that we might unconsciously prefer to the more painful feeling and fears it masks such as abandonment from childhood trauma.
So, as we think about expressing anger in the twenty-first century, the terms of the debate have shifted once again. The question is now not about whether we should express anger to keep healthy, but what other emotions (such as fear) our anger – whether a snarling fury or quietly seething rage – is keeping in check.
The philosophy of anger
You have seen road rage, trolling, and public conflicts. Anger is everywhere. Benjamin Franklin said “Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” For many it's hard to be angry in a positive, healthy way. Aristotle said that “Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.” That is a skill.
Be assertively angry, not bitter. Shannon Alder wrote that “If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” Maya Angelou put it so well, that “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”
Keeping your head always leads to better outcomes. Lao Tzu said that “The best fighter is never angry.” Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in ‘The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching: Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy, and Liberation’ that “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything - anger, anxiety, or possessions - we cannot be free.” He continued “Do not lose yourself in the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. Do not get caught in your anger, worries, or fears. Come back to the present moment, and touch life deeply. This is mindfulness.”
I love this metaphor: “If you take a handful of salt and pour it into a small bowl of water, the water in the bowl will be too salty to drink. But if you pour the same amount of salt into a large river, people will still be able to drink the river's water. If your heart is small, one unjust word or act will make you suffer. But if your heart is large, if you have understanding and compassion, that word or deed will not have the power to make you suffer.” Aggressive anger just hurts your Self. Thich Nhat Hanh continued “The greatest miracle is to be alive. We can put an end to our suffering just by realising that our suffering is not worth suffering for! How many people kill themselves because of rage or despair? In that moment, they do not see the vast happiness that is available. Mindfulness puts an end to such a limited perspective. The Buddha faced his own suffering directly and discovered the path of liberation. Don’t run away from things that are unpleasant in order to embrace things that are pleasant. Put your hands in the earth. Face the difficulties and grow new happiness.”
The Buddha said “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Similarly, Mark Twain wrote “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Confucius said “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” One can see a recurring message.
James Thurber puts it very well, saying “Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” The spiritual approach is “I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him” (Booker T. Washington).
The secret to dealing with anger
The secret to dealing with anger is to become an actor, not a reactor. Respond only from a place of presence. Assertive anger is a very healthy positive emotion. Aggressive anger only hurts your Self. Confucius said “When anger rises, think of the consequences.” So take a deep breath, meditate if you can, write about it, vulnerably share your feelings with people who you trust and love, and respond as an assertive adult, not a petulant child who hasn't had his or her way. As Thomas Jefferson said “When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.”
Aggressive anger is self-defeating
Francis Bacon wrote “A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green.” Elizabeth Kenny wrote “He who angers you conquers you.” Marcus Aurelius wrote “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Seneca, another Stoic philosopher, wrote “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”
Isaac Asimov wrote cuttingly “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” Epictetus wrote in an early version of projection that “When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”
Plato wittily wrote “There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” Laurence J. Peter wrote “Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” Robert Quillen wrote “Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; an argument an exchange of ignorance.” Dr Wayne Dyer wrote “It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either.”
Dylan Thomas wrote “When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.” Bob Marley puts it beautifully “If you get down and quarrel everyday, you're saying prayers to the devil, I say.” Richard M. Nixon wrote “Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.”
Sylvester Stallone, aka Rocky, said “There's a natural law of Karma that vindictive people, who go out of their way to hurt others, will end up broke and alone.” You can't mess with Natural Laws.
The Pizza Metaphor
I have never been angry in my whole life. That is not normal. Once I went for pizza, ordering one, and the waiter brought me pasta. I just ate it without complaining. What I should have done is taken a deep breath, then say “Excuse me, I didn’t order this. Please could you bring me my pizza that I ordered.” That is assertive anger. He would have gladly exchanged it I am sure.
Conclusion
Aggressive anger makes you unpopular. Stephen Hawking wrote “People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.” Stick to assertive anger instead of aggressive anger in all conflicts and there won't be any conflicts.
As usual, Einstein has the last word “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.” Word.
Namaste.
These are the emotions that I have covered for you in my series on emotions (click on the link to be taken to them):
Let me know if you would like to continue this conversation...
Email me: hello@transformativelifecoach.co.uk
My gift is to be your guide on your very own 'Hero's Journey'...
Please let me know if you would like to join our 'VOICE for men' VIP community: 'Vulnerability & Openness Is a Choice Ensemble', 'Visibility Is Power', where men can find their strength, courage, and authenticity, by dropping their egocentric fears and instead communicate openly with vulnerability. We are co-creating this space. It will change your life. It will empower you. This community is a safe space for men to connect and discuss philosophy, spirituality, positive psychology, awakening to Self-realisation, wisdom and timeless Truths, to share our experience, strength and hope, and to find solutions to our pain and fears. Our meeting is free to join. There is no script, just sharing.
“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.” Olly Alexander Branford
My coaching themes and services for men: Transformative Life Coaching, Transformational Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Coaching, Positive Psychology Coaching, Recovery Coaching, Trauma Informed Coaching, Work Addiction Coaching, Workaholism Coaching, Addiction Coaching, Mindfulness Coaching.
Click here to read all my articles:
Suggested Reading
Click here for the books that I know will help you along your journey of recovering your Self:
Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
Click here for my glossary:
Click here for my website:
Click me to contact me:
Click here for my free eBook all about Enlightenment:
Click here for my LinkedIn profile:
Click here for my Medium articles:
I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.