In Are You in Emotional Pain? There Are Solutions And They Are The Gateway to Your Transformation
- olivierbranford
- 4 days ago
- 26 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Emotional pain is also sometimes referred to as psychic pain, spiritual pain, psychalgia, emotional suffering, psychological pain, algopsychalia, Soul pain, or mental pain. It is an unpleasant feeling of a psychological, mental origin.
A pioneer in the field of suicidology, Edwin S. Shneidman, described it as "How much you hurt as a human being. It is mental suffering; mental torment." While emotional pain is often dismissed as less serious than physical pain, it is important that emotional pain is taken seriously.
Let's dive into emotional pain, your liberation from it, and discuss how it is the path to your transformation.
Introduction
Emotional pain is widely believed to be an inescapable aspect of human existence, the human condition. However, although pain is unavoidable, suffering is not. As a spiritual equation, “Suffering equals pain times resistance”. This means that if you have no resistance to reality, practice non-attachment, and have no preferences to outcomes, accepting the “Isness of the present moment”, then you do not suffer. You can handle it. Buddha encapsulated this teaching about suffering as ‘The Four Noble Truths’: The Four Noble Truths are fundamental teachings in Buddhism that outline the nature of suffering, its cause, its cessation, and the path to liberation. They are: 1) Suffering exists (Dukkha), 2) Suffering is caused by (the ego), craving, (desires) and attachment (Samudaya), 3) Suffering can be overcome (Nirodha), and 4) A path exists to end suffering (Magga). This article deals with that path, which is a spiritual journey, as well as medical treatments. You cannot treat a spiritual dis-ease without a spiritual approach. Spirituality is built on science. If therapists do not believe in the Soul, then they cannot heal it. I have had psychiatric treatments by non-holistic therapists, and also medication, that did not touch the sides of my pain, fear, anxiety, and depression. By letting go of desire, one can experience the end of suffering and attain liberation or Enlightenment.
The brain centres for emotional pain and physical pain in the brain are the same neurologically. This is why emotional pain feels like physical pain. Neuroscientists have found that both emotional and physical pain are linked to changes in the prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex. Physical pain and psychological pain share common underlying neurological mechanisms. A number of common feelings associated with emotional pain can impact physical and mental health as they are both part of a broader pain continuum. Some types of pain are purely physical, while others are purely emotional; but mostly, pain lies somewhere in the middle.
Emotional pain can hurt as much as physical pain. Emotional pain is pain or hurt that originates from non-physical sources. Usually, this emotional distress is the result of the actions and behaviour of certain others, who you should stay well clear of. Other times, it might be the result of regret, grief, or loss. In other cases, it might be the result of an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety.
Symptoms of emotional pain
Symptoms of emotional pain can include feelings of:
• Deep sorrow, sadness, or depression
• Intense distress
• Grief
• Loneliness and isolation
• Panic
• Rage
• Shame
• Worthlessness
• Physical pain
In some cases, feelings of emotional pain may lead to physical symptoms that do not have an identifiable physical cause. When these thoughts, emotions, or behaviours are connected to somatic symptoms (relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind), they may result in significant distress or interruption in a person's ability to function: They may be diagnosed with a somatic symptom disorder.
Jesus famously quoted, in Matthew 11:28-30, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. He is inviting those who are weary and burdened to come to him for rest, suggesting that taking on his yoke, which represents his teachings and way of life, will actually alleviate, rather than add to, their burdens and emotional pain.
Emotional pain can stem from many sources, and each person's situation and experiences are unique. Everyone may experience these feelings from time to time. However, when these feelings are intense and persistent, they can interfere with your ability to function and perform normal daily activities.
Negative, limiting, beliefs can lead to negative thoughts, which lead to emotional pain. Therefore, one of the most important solutions to preventing emotional pain is to decide to change your thinking by not boarding the negative train of thought. And it is a choice that you can make daily when you wake up. If you board the train to positive thinking, this will result in positive emotions and no emotional pain. Negative thoughts result from negative, limiting beliefs. So, if you decide to change your negative beliefs, you won’t have emotional pain. This is why positive, limitless beliefs are so important. Your negative beliefs are your fears. We have many fears: Most of them come from the fear or being unloved or unlovable, from being unworthy, from being abandoned, or that you will die. Negative thoughts are those that do not originate from your Higher Power. They originate from your ego, which is your false self or your mask. So, it is vital that you only have positive thoughts, which are spiritual thoughts.
Anger is a basic human emotion. We often suppress anger, which causes addiction in an attempt to numb it. Suppressed emotions such as anger release adrenaline, which increases muscle tension and speeds up breathing. This is the "fight" part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. It is aggressive anger that leads to fear. Assertive anger is a healthy emotion and may be used to unblock Samskaras, which are psychological imprints, like scars which prevent the flow of energy towards higher states of BEing, from emotions that have been buried, repressed, or where there is denial of a negative emotions. Emotional pain leads to anger. Keep your composure: Getting angry at everything or anyone rarely helps. Losing control never does. Seneca, the Stoic philosopher, said, “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury (or event) that provokes it.” The Buddha said “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Similarly, Mark Twain wrote “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” Confucius said “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” One can see a recurring message.Use that to get back your calm composure. I pause before responding to anything that frustrates me. I refuse to let emotions control me. Pain may lead to suffering if we have resistance to the external event that caused the pain. Suffering equals pain times resistance. The Buddha said "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." Naval Ravikant echoed "Pain is a fact. Suffering is a choice. The Buddha said "The root of all suffering is attachment." By this he meant attachment to thoughts and emotions. In other words, we should practice non-resistance to events. Let go of any thought that does not bring joy with it. Although we have to feel to heal, that involves letting go of our emotions once they have cleared our inner scars and released our flow of energy. Always remember that pain is temporary: Growth is permanent.
Fear is False Evidence Feeling Real. Fear is the four-letter F-word that rules and ruins our lives until we realise that it doesn’t have to. Fear is the power of our minds turned against ourselves. Fear is our self-hatred posing as self-love. Mark Twain said "Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe." Do you live in constant fear? Maybe a low-level anxiety, maybe more than that – occasional or frequent terror? To a level that you are glued to the ceiling with fear at times or even most of the time? To the point that you would do anything to get out of it? Your fear is proportional to the distance between what you want or don't want and reality. Fear comes from our egocentric attempts to control the outside world, but we know deep down that we can’t. Remember that you can handle it. It has been shown in studies that over 90 percent of fears never happen. So, worrying works – most of the things that you worry about never occur. Even if they do, as Eckhart Tolle reminds us, “This, too, will pass.” Fears are not facts. Fear is a waste of time: Matthew 6:25-34 wrote in the Bible “Therefore do not worry about your life… Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” What is the solution to fear? The answer doesn’t lie in numbing it using people, places, things, or other substitutes. Some people are so focused on not being abandoned by others that they abandon themselves. Fear is the language of the ego. Feeling is the language of the soul. Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. Fear and Faith do not live in the same house. As the story goes: "Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered: There was no-one there." A Course in Miracles states “If you only knew who walked beside you at all times, on this path that you have chosen, you could never experience doubt or fear again.” Research has linked spirituality with lower stress levels and improved immune system functioning, and prayer has been associated with reduced depression and anxiety. Finding deep presence in the now as a result of looking within is a spiritual solution to fear. Your fears are thoughts, largely coming from your frightened inner child’s inevitable reaction to having to deal with an adult world. Inaction fuels fear. Dr Henry Link wrote "We generate fears while we sit. We overcome them by action. Fear is Nature's was of warning us to get busy." Feel the fear and do it anyway. Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher who taught that philosophy is a way of life and not simply a theoretical discipline, said “Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems.” Similarly, Michel De Montaigne wrote "He who fears he shall suffer: He already suffers from what he fears." Frank Herbert, author, wrote “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
Be vulnerable and authentic
One of the ways to alleviate emotional pain is to share it with someone you trust by speaking to them. Each time emotional pain is shared it is halved. We are scared of doing this as we fear rejection, which comes from being rebuked and therefore abandoned emotionally as a child. This causes our inner and outer critics to manifest. As children we always choose attachment over authenticity as we subconsciously think that without attachment that we will die. One of the keys to preventing emotional pain as an adult is therefore to express ourselves vulnerably and authentically. The most beautiful Souls are the most vulnerable. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone who cares about you and loves you unconditionally when you are going through an emotionally painful experience. This is why 12 step groups are so useful in addiction and is why ‘fellowship’ with others is so healing. The two superpowers in healing from addiction and spiritual dis-ease are fellowship and the spiritual experience.
Most people live a life of anger, fear, and chaos. They are stuck at stage one or stage two of the ladder to Self-realisation. Anger may be an unhealthy, negative emotion that leads to fear. Fear leads to chaos. Chaos leads to conflict of every kind, including interpersonal conflict and war.
Toxic people
Stay away from toxic people. I have met met a number of very toxic people, especially in the recent past. If you pardon my French, “Il peuvent aller se faire foutre”, which means that they can go fuck themselves. Put down impenetrable boundaries and leave them to rot like a dead plant that does not grow. Without doing the essential inner work, and it is for them to do, they will never evolve, grow, heal, or transform. They will remain in a state of immaturity and permanent emotional pain, numbing it with addictions, and they will do anything to project its cause onto you.
Emotional pain is a tool kit to aid your transformation. There is information in emotions. Emotions are the clearest way to Truth. Truth is an emotion that can't be expressed in words. Ram Dass, the Harvard Professor of psychology, spiritual leader, and guru, whose book 'Be Here Now' inspired Steve Jobs to visit India, said that “Emotions are a doorway to another plane of consciousness."
As with anger, anxiety, and fear both also release adrenaline. Fear results from emotional pain. This generally results in jumpiness, a tendency to startle easily, the inability to relax (the ‘flight’ response), or a feeling of being immobilised or stuck (the ‘freeze’ response). The solution to fear is action, even if that involves deciding to act by doing nothing Like bungee jumping, we are terrified of facing our fears, but once we do, the fear disappears. The important thing here is to respond and not react. We are actors in the play of life, not reactors. Remain seated at your ‘seat of ease’, which is the home of your Higher Power.
Shame and guilt often result in a feeling of ‘butterflies’ or weight in the stomach. Common among people with addictions, shame leads to and is worsened by the need for secrecy. If not addressed, prolonged feelings of shame and guilt may lead to physical symptoms. The key to overcoming shame is compassion: This beautiful fire burns out all shame.
Emotional pain symptoms
Anxiety can also be induced by substance use, in which case, quitting alcohol and drugs can often improve the symptoms.
Emotional pain can also be accompanied by:
• Aggression and violence
• Alcohol or substance use, or compulsive behaviours including shopping, gambling, eating disorders, sex and love addiction, and other risky behaviours
• Depression and anxiety
Such behaviours are often an attempt to diffuse or escape the intense dysphoria caused by emotional pain. ADHD and behavioural addictions can cause compulsivity and resulting emotional pain. Rejection sensitive dysphoria, a common feature of ADHD can make us feel that we are literally under attack.
Not everything is on you: You are not to blame
You are not responsible for other people’s baggage load of emotional pain. You are only responsible for your emotional pain. Let go of Self-blame. In a world that constantly challenges our Self-worth, the burden of blame can become unbearably heavy. How many times have you shouldered undue guilt or shame for situations that were never really yours to control? This article explores the liberation that comes with understanding that many events — the actions, reactions, or moods of those around us, and not ourselves — stem from forces far beyond our personal responsibility. When we begin to internalise that negative outcomes do not reflect on our character, we open the door to genuine Self-compassion and growth.
External validation, conditioning, and the origins of Self-blame
During our childhoods our environments shape the lenses through which we interpret the world. For some, the early internalisation of criticism and unmet expectations by our parents and society, can seed the belief that everything negative is a personal failing. This is otherwise known as conditioning and leads to the subconscious need to be validated by others. This mindset often becomes a default response — automatically assigning responsibility to oneself even in situations where other dynamics are at play, particularly the behaviours of the toxic people that we meet. It is essential to acknowledge that while Self-reflection is valuable, excessive Self-blame undermines our Self-esteem and hinders personal growth. Years of carrying this undue weight can lead to stress, anxiety, and a skewed sense of worth where every minor setback feels like a monumental failure.
Other people’s shortcomings and emotional baggage
It takes a moment of introspection to distinguish between genuine accountability and the distortion of blame, which is often due to disingenuous lies perpetrated by others in an attempt to project their shortcomings onto you. They are trying to distract from the skeletons in their closet. In Matthew 7:3-5 Jesus says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" This is the falsity of projection.
Accountability involves recognising when our actions have contributed to a situation, which is rarely the case, and learning from them. In contrast, Self-blame often involves internalising responsibility for events that are clearly out of our control and are not caused by us. Consider the way other people respond to stressful situations. Often, their reactions — be it anger, frustration, or even criticism — speak more to their internal struggles than to any shortcoming on your part. These external influences, whether rooted in personal failures, emotional overloads, or simply a bad day, are not measures of your worth. Instead, they are reflections of an individual’s personal challenges. Recognising this difference can be a transformative step toward emotional freedom.
When someone directs harsh words or subtle criticisms towards you, the instinct is to internalise and question every action. However, a closer look often reveals that such criticism is less about you and far more about the critic’s inner turmoil. For instance, someone who consistently finds fault in you might be grappling with personal trauma and emotional pain. The negative energy they emit becomes a projection of their internal conflicts. Understanding this dynamic is key to not allowing their negativity to become your burden. Toxic people propagate lies about you, which they may come to genuinely believe as true, in order to distract from their shortcomings.
Imagine walking into a room and feeling an inexplicable heaviness — a room filled with tenseness, misunderstandings, or unresolved emotions. Typically, this emotional atmosphere has little to do with you. Instead, it is a culmination of circumstances, experiences, or conflicts that you are simply a part of by chance. By removing the artifice of personalisation, we liberate our Selves from the confines of an unjust internal false narrative. Each person is, in their own right, battling their unique issues, and their actions — however hurtful they might seem — are rarely accurate reflections of your character. Embracing this truth can transform your emotional responses, paving the way for a more measured, compassionate self-view.
It can be tempting to try and ‘fix’ or shoulder the weight of others’ distress — be it a partner’s disappointment, a colleague’s discontent, or family conflicts. However, in the process, we often mistakenly assume responsibility for outcomes that are inherently beyond our control. The reality is stark: Everyone is responsible for their own emotional experiences. When someone’s anxiety or negativity seeps into your space, it is rarely an accurate reflection of your actions. Instead, it is an invitation to practice healthy boundaries and remind your Self that you cannot — and should not — absorb the emotional burdens of others. Sometimes, individuals may use criticism and projection as tools to try to control you — what is often known as gaslighting. In these situations, an abuser, persecutor (who often masquerades as a victim) or manipulative person will project their frustrations onto you, grossly distorting reality and truth in the process. If you notice consistent patterns where negative behaviour is cloaked in the guise of concern or accountability, it’s essential to step back and reassess the situation. Jesus said in John 8:32 that "And ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free". This phrase highlights the idea that understanding and embracing the Truth can lead to liberation, whether it be from others’ lies, the power of deception by others, or societal constraints. Trust your instincts. Realise that you are not to blame for projecting someone else’s unresolved issues. Embrace the strength to create distance and seek support if the situation escalates.
Boundaries
There is an art to saying no. Setting boundaries to toxic people is one of the most empowering acts you can undertake. It is not an admission of weakness or selfishness but a declaration that you value your own well-being. Learn to say no when demands or criticisms infringe upon your mental peace. This process involves recognising the limits of your emotional energy and understanding that your primary responsibility is to nurture your well-being. When you stop accepting unwarranted blame, you reclaim the power to define your own worth and allocate your energy more wisely.
Healthy boundaries also mean giving yourself permission to focus on your most important commitments. Whether it’s your career aspirations, spiritual growth, or personal relationships, your energy should be directed by your own choices, not by others’ projections. The energy that is released from this approach may be used to fuel your own transformation. When you consciously choose not to shoulder someone else’s emotional baggage, you free your Self to pursue goals that resonate with your true essence. This not only improves your productivity but also engenders a more profound sense of purpose, meaning, and satisfaction in life.
Everyone is on a spiritual path, whether they realise it or not. Many people resist this, resulting in lifelong misery, and they only realise on their death bed.
The five regrets of the dying, with the top one being spiritual in nature and about saying no to external validation, and the top five include the need to share your emotional pain, are:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to my Self, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
The key to rediscovering the core who you truly are is the solution to this. A popular quote about spiritual experience is, by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, that "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." The relentless cycle of Self-blame and undue accountability can obscure your true identity. When you free your Self from the weight of other people’s negative emotions, you can reconnect with your authentic, true Self – your Soul. Take time to reflect on your values, passions, and dreams. Journaling, meditation, or even quiet contemplation in Nature can help you peel back the layers of external expectations and rediscover who you truly are. This journey of Self-exploration is not about dismissing your past but about embracing the potential within you to evolve and thrive.
True Self-worth is nurtured from within. It requires shifting the internal dialogue from one of judgement to one of compassion. Recognise that your worth is not defined by past subconsciously driven mistakes or others’ opinions. Engage in positive affirmations, celebrate even your smallest victories, and remind yourself that every experience — even the painful ones — contributes to your growth. Over time, this practice of Self-compassion reinforces a resilient sense of Self that is impervious to external negativity.
According to the ‘Drama Triangle’, victims of emotional pain become persecutors, instead of victors over emotional pain. Such people, and I have met many, fail to grow, evolve, and transform. They are stuck psychologically, emotionally, philosophically, and spiritually. Nothing will give them inner joy. As in Nature, if you don’t grow, you rot.
Authenticity, the masks people wear, and trauma
Authenticity is the key to recovery. Those that want to torture you are wearing masks. Psychotherapists say that “If it feels hysterical, it’s historical." Dr. Peter Levine, a prominent figure in trauma treatment, posits that all trauma, at least in its foundational aspects, is preverbal. This means that the experience of trauma, especially early in life, often registers in the body as a physiological response rather than being fully processed or understood verbally. This why yoga is so powerful in treating emotional pain caused by early childhood trauma and is also recommended as one of only three treatment modalities (the others being EMDR and spiritual work) in the ‘Bible of trauma’ ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk, which is in my ‘Suggested Reading’ list. These approaches focus on helping individuals access and regulate the body's stored trauma memories through physical release and spiritual work. This applies to everyone. Toxic people are those that haven’t done the inner work. By putting down boundaries to these toxic people, you regain energy. That may be used to transform your Self and change the world. You are capable of coming home to your Self. You are a gift. EMDR, mentioned above, stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, a psychotherapy technique used to help individuals process distressing memories and reduce the emotional distress associated with traumatic experiences. It involves recalling the traumatic incident while engaging in bilateral stimulation, most commonly side-to-side eye movements. EMDR is particularly effective in treating Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and emotional pain but can also be helpful for other conditions like anxiety and depression.
Alleviating your emotional pain
While you may need to see a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or have medication, there are things that you can also do your Self to alleviate emotional pain. We have touched upon many of these above. If the cause of your pain is spiritual, then only a spiritual solution will work. This means healing your Soul. How can people who don’t believe in the Soul be expected to heal it? The answer is that they can’t. You can practice prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, exercise, connecting with Nature by taking undistracted walks, and writing or maintaining a journal (the last two can be the same thing). These all involve focusing on being present. When I write I am totally present. By living in the present moment, you create space to evaluate your emotions objectively. This awareness helps you discern which feelings are valid and which are projections of external negativity. Living in the past result in depression. Living in the future results in fear.
Embracing timeless spiritual principles
For many, spirituality offers solace and perspective in the chaos of modern life. When confronted with the barrage of self-blame, looking beyond the immediate turmoil to timeless spiritual truths can provide a steadfast anchor for your Soul. The Bible, for instance, is replete with verses that encourage believers to cast aside their burdens. In Psalm 55:22 it is written, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” Such verses remind us that a Higher Power watches over us — a power that understands the intricacies of our human experience and offers relief from the weight of unjust blame. When negative self-talk arises, question it. Ask your Self, “Is this really my fault or am I absorbing someone else’s unresolved, projected, emotional distress?” Replace and reframe: Transform self-critical statements into constructive feedback. For example, change “I’m always to blame” to “This situation involves many variables beyond my control.” This process not only nurtures mental clarity but also gradually builds a fortress of Self-assurance that resists the lure of unwarranted blame.
Recognising when to walk away from toxic people
One of the most liberating realisations in life is understanding that you are not obligated to carry the emotional baggage of others. There comes a time when distancing yourself — both physically and emotionally — from toxic influences is not only prudent but necessary for your well-being. Walking away, whether from a negative relationship, a toxic work environment, or even an internal narrative that unfairly blames you, is a courageous act of Self-preservation. It signals that you recognise the value of your energy and that you are committed to cultivating a nurturing space for your Self.
It is important, however, to distinguish between accountability and Self-condemnation in our spiritual journey. Embrace the idea that while you are responsible for your actions, many of life’s misfortunes are not the result of personal failings but the byproduct of an imperfect world and the toxic people that are rife within it. Philippians 4:6–7 (NKJV) offers a beautiful counsel “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” This passage encourages us to replace anxiety and blame with prayer, gratitude, and the assurance that our peace is held in a power greater than our Selves.
Spiritual reflection as a tool for inner healing
In moments where the burden of self-blame feels overwhelming, take refuge in spiritual practices that foster inner healing. Whether through prayer, reading sacred texts, or meditating on divine wisdom and timeless philosophical Truth, these practices remind you that you are cherished beyond measure. They also emphasise that while personal responsibility is important, it does not extend to absorbing all the negative vibrations of the world around you. Such reflections can catalyse a profound transformation, where you evolve from a state of self-reproach into one of empowered acceptance — an acceptance that recognises both the beauty and the imperfections of the human experience.
Radical acceptance
Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality in its entirety — even when it is painful — without judgement. It is the understanding that while you cannot control every outcome, you can control your response to it. This mindset encourages you to embrace a form of inner freedom where you accept the things you cannot change and invest your energy in those you can. In doing so, you shirk the unnecessary burden of self-blame and allow your Self the Grace to evolve. By letting go of the need to explain or justify your Self to every external poisonous critic, you pave the way for a renewed sense of Self-worth — one that is built on the intrinsic belief that you are enough, regardless of external circumstances, your inner critic, and other peoples’ opinions.
Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, stated that "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness." This quote emphasises the idea that we have agency in how we react to situations, and that choosing our response is a key factor in personal growth and well-being.
Self-compassion
Self-compassion has a lasting effect. Cultivating Self-compassion is perhaps the most powerful antidote to the corrosive effects of Self-blame. It requires practice, but with time, you will start to notice a profound shift in how you perceive your Self and the world around you. In the silence of Self-reflection, during meditation, remember that you, like everyone else, are navigating the complexities of life with the best tools you have at your disposal. If you knew better, you would have done better. Allowing your Self the grace to be imperfect, acknowledging the influence of external factors, and stepping back from the constant need to shoulder every emotional burden of others is an act of profound Self-love.
Conclusions
Emotional pain is rooted in the mind, but it can hurt just as much as physical pain. Sadness, anger, anxiety, shame, guilt, and other factors can all play a role in the experience of this type of pain. While it may not stem from a physical source, emotional pain can still have serious health effects. In some cases, it can even contribute to feelings of physical discomfort and pain. It also increases the risk of problems with substance use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, risky behaviours, and suicide. If symptoms of emotional pain are causing significant distress or interfering with your daily life, talk to your doctor or mental health professional. Spiritual solutions may also help as much of our emotional pain has a spiritual cause, whether or not it has a psychiatric cause. This is the basis of 12 step recovery and spiritual healing.
Life is an intricate tapestry of experiences, relationships, and unforeseen challenges. Integrating the insights from this article into your daily life means committing to practices that reaffirm your Self-worth and reinforce the boundaries between your responsibilities and those of others. Make it a daily habit to remind your Self:
“I am not the sum of others’ negative feelings.”
“I will not carry other’s unresolved, projected emotional baggage.”
“Responsibility for my well-being starts with me, not with the uncontrollable actions of others, particularly toxic people.”
“I choose to see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than personal failures.”
As you repeat these affirmations, you begin to feel the gentle release of years of undue guilt — a liberation that fuels not only your personal growth but also a deeper connection with a life filled with purpose, meaning, joy, love, peace, and serenity.
Transformation is rarely linear. There will be moments when old patterns re-emerge, and you might find yourself slipping back into Self-blame. The key is to recognise these moments, learn from them, and continue your transformative journey to your Higher Self with renewed determination. Celebrate every bit of progress, no matter how small. Whether it’s setting a firm boundary with a toxic person or simply pausing to remind your Self that most negative reactions are not about you, each victory is a step away from self-imposed limitations and toward a more authentic version of you.
Throughout this exploration, we’ve uncovered a vital truth: Many of life’s challenges are products of factors entirely beyond our control. Others’ criticisms, atmospheric moods, emotional baggage, and even the ripple effects of their internal struggles should never define your Self-worth. Remember that “If it hysterical its historical.” This means that other people’s reaction are the result of their childhood trauma and are nothing to do with you. By embracing a perspective that distinguishes between accountability and undue guilt, you empower yourself to carve out an inner sanctuary untouched by the negativity of the external world. Whether through mindfulness, setting firm boundaries, or seeking spiritual solace, the journey toward true freedom begins with understanding that very little is your fault. This realisation is both a call to action and a comforting balm to a weary Soul. As you move forward, let your path be illuminated by the wisdom of Self-compassion and the strength to say, “I am loved, loveable, worthy, and enough.” Your interactions and experiences will always be multifaceted — reflecting a broad spectrum of influences — and it is by accepting this truth that you may finally step into a life of balanced responsibility and enduring peace.
May you find solace in knowing that often, others’ negative actions are but reflections of their struggles — a reminder that your worth is not measured by circumstances beyond your control. Embrace the freedom that comes with letting go of them. It is never for you to carry their emotional baggage. Trust in your journey, knowing that your identity is defined not by the burdens you mistakenly carry, but by the strength with which you rise above them.
As you chart your course forward, remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 11:28, : “Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Let these words remind you that true rest and peace are found not in shouldering every burden but in recognising the freedom to be, without the weight of unwarranted guilt or shame. I recommend the book ‘Healing The Shame That Binds You’ by John Bradshaw, which is in my ‘Suggested Reading’ list.
As you continue to explore these practices, you will ultimately find that life becomes less about defending your every action and more about embracing the joyful, sometimes messy, process of being human.
Namaste.
Olly
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I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person.
“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.”
I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.
I hear you. I see the highest in you, and I will continue to do so until you see it for your Self. I have ultimate compassion for you I will never judge you. We will fulfil your dreams and discover your purpose and what gives your life meaning. We are dealing with infinite possibility here. Together, we will lead you to remembering the light that resides in you. I have written 400 articles for you and an eBook to guide you on your transformative journey, which are all available for free on my website - click on the link below:
Please let me know if you would like to join our 'VOICE for men' VIP community: 'Vulnerability & Openness Is a Choice Ensemble', 'Visibility Is Power', where men can find their strength, courage, and authenticity, by dropping their egocentric fears and instead communicate openly with vulnerability. We are co-creating this space. It will change your life. It will empower you. This community is a safe space for men to connect and discuss philosophy, spirituality, positive psychology, awakening to Self-realisation, wisdom and timeless Truths, to share our experience, strength and hope, and to find solutions to our pain and fears. Our meeting is free to join. There is no script, just sharing.
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