When your life becomes unmanageable you may hit a rock bottom, akin to a nervous breakdown. This may involve grief, loss, depression, despair, and anxiety. Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown before you have an undeniable breakthrough. If this happens, check out my survival guide:
Most people hit a rock bottom before they start to turn their life around. Rock bottom has built more heroes than any privilege ever could. As Muhammad Ali said “Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.” Bryce Evans wrote "When you hit rock bottom, remember this: That’s when the real work begins. That’s when you’re an activist for your own life." J.K. Rowling wrote that “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
Only a minority of people are able to undergo the Hero’s Journey and transform to a better life. Matt Haig wrote “The best thing about rock bottom is the rock part. You discover the solid bit of you. The bit that can't be broken down further. The thing that you might sentimentally call a soul. At our lowest we find the solid ground of our foundation. And we can build ourselves anew.” In other words, as Émile Durkheim wrote “When this ultimate crisis comes... When there is no way out - that is the very moment when we explode from within and the totally other emerges: The sudden surfacing of a strength, a security of unknown origin, welling up from beyond reason, rational expectation, and hope.”
Recovery and healing is a choice that anyone can make. As Keanu Reeves said "The only way to go from rock bottom is up, and seeing light in the darkness is a choice." Before something great happens, everything will fall apart. When you have hit rock bottom and survived, there are very few things that can scare you. Nothing produces invincibility like hitting rock bottom and coming back. Rumi reminds us that "Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise." The best view comes after the hardest climb. George S. Patton wrote that "Success is how high you bounce after hitting the bottom."
Remember, as Morris Mandel said "The darkest hour has only sixty minutes." What if you want to, or could, avoid hitting a rock bottom? Is it possible? Do you need to hit a rock bottom in order to start your healing and recovery journey? The short answer is no. So how do you avoid hitting rock bottom in your life?
Avoiding rock bottom means asking for help
Coming to your senses without a rock bottom
You can quite literally ‘come to your senses’ before hitting your a rock bottom. This involves meditation and finding presence. Thought is the 'sixth sense' and it is always historical, usually hysterical, catastrophic, and commonly repetitive. Our mind takes information from our six senses, viewing the world through a lens of fear, and our thoughts and emotions that come from them become our experience of life. Our way out is to drop out of thoughts and be fully present. Keep going, the best is yet to come.
It takes awareness and bravery to wake up without hitting rock bottom. As Marianne Williamson says in her book ‘Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey From Suffering to Enlightenment’ that “Suffering through them (emotional wounds) with our heart wide open is not for cissies: But for seekers.”
Anaïs Nin wrote “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.” Not everyone is ready. Are you? I know many highly successful people, including billionaires, who are dead inside, miserable, and totally disillusioned with the life that they have created, and they feel that they are far from home. They are headed for a burn out, or worse, a total nervous breakdown. If you are awake enough to realise that this is you, and you are prepared to face the challenges of the Hero's Journey, and to reap the infinite rewards that it brings, then I hope that I have caught you just in time before you fall into your rock bottom. You have forgotten who you truly are. It's not your fault - everyone is struggling. Your choice is to either to carry on with more of the same, or to take the leap into the adventure of your lifetime, find out who you are and to get total clarity about how the world really works. I can only show you the door: You are the one who has to decide if you want to walk through it.
At some point you realise that continuing on your current path will lead to ‘a death by 1,000 cuts’ as if it were ‘death in slow motion.’ 25% of alcoholics commit suicide. There are always empty chairs in the recovery rooms. There is a pandemic of mental illness. We are all struggling mentally and emotionally. The more you think that this doesn't apply to you or your family, the more likely that it does. Yet the real tragedy is not living while you are alive. Pain is our greatest source of wisdom. As C. S. Lewis wrote “Experience is a brutal teacher. But you learn. My God, you learn.”
Confucius, the great Chinese Philosopher, wrote this beautiful sentence back in 550 BC: “We have two lives; the second begins when we realise we only have one.” Becoming deeply aware of this will give you the spark that you need to ignite your transformation. Without hitting rock bottom. Your healing is an intimate tailor-made journey with your Higher Power. As Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote “Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.” This individualised journey may involve therapy in all its forms, medication to help soothe your pain as you work through it, 12-step recovery groups, connecting with others, Transformative Life Coaching (TLC), having an Enlightened Witness, listening to lectures that are relevant to you, learning timeless life lessons, embodying Truths about your Self and how the world works, reading and journalling. Here is the literature that I wish someone had recommended to me at the start of my full time inner journey towards personal Enlightenment four years ago:
Here are the promises if you engage with the recovery process - the process of recovery your true Self: If you have decided to follow the recovery program, a new life will begin to unfold within you. Along with this new life are promises that will guide and sustain you. They are manifesting among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly:
We will regain control of our lives.
We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
The loneliness will subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
We will love and accept ourselves.
We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
We will extend ourselves to nurture our own spiritual growth and that of others.
We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have harmed.
We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken away and what has been left behind.
Does this sound inviting? Carl Jung, the psychiatrist, founder of analytic psychotherapy, and all round spiritual Master, wrote to Bill Wilson "The spiritual thirst of our BEing for wholeness... The only right and legitimate way to such an experience is, that it happens to you in reality and it can only happen to you when you walk on a path, which leads you to higher understanding. You might be led to that way by an act of Grace or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or through a highest re-education of the mind beyond the confines of mere rationalism."
If you are already in recovery and are struggling with recurrent slips or a relapse, this is often due to:
1. Persistent ego - the point of recovery is to get well so that you can serve others. If there is too much you in your life then you are likely to remain in victim mode, try to control everything, and fail to heal and grow. Work the steps then serve. Reducing your ego will allow space inside you to connect with your true Self and others. As Dr Harry Tiebout, the American psychiatrist said that recovery is a lifelong daily process of "Daily ego deflation."
2. Failure to surrender - this means letting go of all judgement, of your Self and others. The best lecture that I have heard about this is by Bob D.:
'Surrender' by Bob D.
3. Unresolved childhood trauma - have you done step 4 in depth and found the fears behind your fears? It is also worth having trauma therapy in the form of Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) with a trained therapist, and to practice yoga, as it states in the 'Bible' of trauma recovery 'The Body Keep the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma' by Bessel van der Kolk. You will need to feel the pain before you can surrender it. But this is done in a safe environment with a therapist.
4. A failure to achieve 'emotional sobriety.' Emotional sobriety is when what you believe about your Self matches the facts about you and you feel good about your Self. When you are emotionally sober, the input of others does not determine what you think about your Self. You are not dependent on people, places, events, or things . You are not dependent on external validation for Self-love and Self-worth. Emotional insobriety makes you feel afraid when everything is actually ok. Believe in your Self. Let go of outcomes. Let go of control. Simply serve the present moment in front of you. The Big Book calls emotional insobriety the root of the problem. It’s grounded in fear. It’s an emotional syndrome. It always causes us to ultimately fail unless we do something about it. Surrender it. It’s because our basic beliefs are false. It’s based on our most basic fear that we will be abandoned. We won’t be abandoned. We are worthy. We are loved. Our fear is that because we are unloved, unlovable and unworthy that we will be abandoned. It necessitates a profound change in our entire way of thinking. This change in our thinking results in a change in our character. That change in character is the result of your actions plus Grace. You have done the inner work. Just drop the self-hatred. Accept Grace - you are touched by it. There is nothing to do apart from believe in and love your Self. God will give you those too as Jesus said "My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one" (John 10:29-30). The best talk that I have ever heard about emotional sobriety is by Tom B.:
'Emotional Sobriety' by Tom B.
The solutions to emotional insobriety (in order to achieve emotional sobriety) are:
Surrender powerlessness over this condition - involves Faith with action based on guidance by our Higher Power
Change from self-hatred to unconditional Self-love: Accept your Self as you are right now. The moment you accept your Self is the moment you begin to change. No more fear of not being good enough or of being abandoned. Accept all the parts of your Self as a whole (inner child, shadow and Higher Power). That’s your state of BEing. "Your Faith has made you whole" (Luke 17:19)
The negative beliefs we carry are all false. Examine your negative self-beliefs
Connect with others who are compassionate. Ideally Enlightened Witnesses
Ask for help if needed
Forgive your Self
Serve others - give to others what you want and need without expectation - give unconditional love. You will discover the great law of life - Karma: What you give is what you get. "What I do to you is what I do to me". "This is a giving life "as Chuck C. used to say. It is only in giving that we may receive
"Among today’s incoming A.A. members, many have never reached the advanced stages of alcoholism, though given time all might have. Most of these fortunate ones have had little or no acquaintance with delirium, with hospitals, asylums, and jails. Some were drinking heavily, and there had been occasional serious episodes. But with many, drinking had been little more than a sometimes uncontrollable nuisance. Seldom had any of these lost either health, business, family, or friends. Why do men and women like these join A.A.? The seventeen who now tell their experiences answer that question. They saw that they had become actual or potential alcoholics, even though no serious harm had yet been done. They realised that repeated lack of drinking control, when they really wanted control, was the fatal symptom that spelled problem drinking. This, plus mounting emotional disturbances, convinced them that compulsive alcoholism already had them; that complete ruin would be only a question of time. Seeing this danger, they came to A.A. They realised that in the end alcoholism could be as mortal as cancer; certainly no sane man would wait for a malignant growth to become fatal before seeking help. Therefore, these seventeen A.A.’s, and hundreds of thousands like them, have been saved years of infinite suffering. They sum it up something like this: “We didn’t wait to hit bottom because, thank God, we could see the bottom. Actually, the bottom came up and hit us. That sold us on Alcoholics Anonymous.”"
When recent trauma leads to your transformation
In order to wake up you need to put your ego to sleep. This is not easy as the ego is cunning, baffling, and powerful. But significant recent trauma such as bereavement, loss of your career, or loss of your loved ones can effect a sudden awakening, resulting in a dropping of your ego, almost without effort, and stepping into your Higher Self, according to the book by Dr Steve Taylor ‘Extraordinary Awakenings: When Trauma Leads to Transformation.'
Steve Taylor ‘Extraordinary Awakenings: When Trauma Leads to Transformation.'
Transformation following trauma – recovering after adversity is a road to Enlightenment. In every English dictionary resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties: The ability to be happy, and purposeful again after something difficult or bad has happened. It is NOT the resistance to being broken - that is rigidity, stiffness, or inflexibility. Those are not good character traits! Strength isn’t about how much you can handle before you break, it's about how much you can endure after you’ve been broken. “We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken” (John Greene).
Life loves you so much that it sends you difficulties to make you strong. Read that again.
Emmet Fox wrote “It is the law that any difficulties that can come to you at any time, must be exactly what you need most at the moment to enable you to take the next step forward by overcoming them... Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundations. Hold on steadily, let it rock, and when the rocking is over, the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire… Some day (when we have enough spiritual growth) we will come to see that the seemingly disjointed happenings, the apparent accidents, are really part of an orderly pattern.” Perhaps it is the part of us that loves us the most, our souls, that sends us challenges in order to redirect us and causes us to grow. Marcus Aurelius wrote “Whatever the Universal Nature assigns to any man at any time is for the good of that man at that time.” We can’t choose the cards we are dealt with, but we can choose how we play the game. Friedrich Nietzsche famously said "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny“ (C.S. Lewis).
It’s darkest before the dawn. But the sun will always rise give us a blazing new dawn. There is no growth without adversity. Jean-Paul Sartre wrote “Life begins on the other side of despair.” The Buddha said "Even loss and betrayal can bring us awakening." Jesus in John 3:3 “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the Kingdom of God.” In the Bible in Revelation 21:4 it says of God that "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rumi wrote “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” “Turn your wounds into wisdom” (Oprah Winfrey). Carl Jung wrote “In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order... There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” The message is very consistent through the ages.
“Even in the midst of devastation, something within us always points the way to freedom” (Sharon Salzberg). When encountering enormous adversity, challenges, and trauma in life, as all of us will, the first reaction may be to withdraw and collapse. Chris Bradford said “Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.” Aeschylus wrote “Wisdom comes alone through suffering.”
Friedrich Nietzsche wrote “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.” “Only in the darkness can you see the stars” (The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.) In fact it is “Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves” (Henry David Thoreau). J.R.R. Tolkien wrote “From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be King.” Then you will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Audrey Hepburn said “Nothing is impossible. The word itself says ‘I’M POSSIBLE’!” “Life has to break you down so you could be rebuilt. Getting lost along your path is a part of finding the path you are meant to be on” (Robin Sharma). Ferguson mused “You have to break down before you can break through.” “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places” (Ernest Hemingway). "What defines us is how well we rise after we fall" (Zig Ziglar). The choice is entirely yours.
The Dalai Lama said “ When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” Carl Jung wrote “The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” He also said “There's no coming to consciousness without pain... The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” Stop trying to calm the storm: Calm your self, the storm will pass. Napoleon Bonaparte said “Victory is not always winning the battle… but rising every time you fall.” You are not the darkness you endured, you are the light that refused to surrender. “You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?” (Friedrich Nietzsche).
A phoenix rising from the ashes
Buddha said “Like the lotus we have the ability to rise from the mud and bloom out of the darkness and radiate into the world.” “You can come out of the furnace of trouble two ways: If you let it consume you, you come out a cinder; but there is a kind of metal which refuses to be consumed and comes out a star” (Jean Church). “So long as you haven’t experienced this - to die and so to grow: You are only a troubled guest on the dark earth” (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe). “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realise that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge” (Eckhart Tolle).
“I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains” (Anne Frank). “Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.” (Robert H. Schuller). “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it” (Henry Ford).
Self-pity is the thief of time. Being in victim mode does not allow growth. “Victims fall in love with excuses” (Robin Sharma). “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy” (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.) “The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything” Bishop W.C. Magee.
“Very good days are ahead. Turbulence is necessary for transformation. And things must fall apart for this to be built up in a greater way. The suffering will morph into strength. The wounds will grow into wisdom. The volatility will - eventually - yield a more decent humanity” (Robin Sharma). Joseph Campbell discussed personal transformation in the belly of the whale stage of the Hero’s Journey: The belly of the whale represents the final separation from the hero's known world and self. By entering this stage, the person shows a willingness to undergo a metamorphosis. “By this, the dreamer crosses to the other shore. And by a like miracle, so will each whose work is the difficult, dangerous task of Self-discovery and self-development, be portered across the ocean of life.” Scott Peck wrote "It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. To proceed very far through the desert, you must be willing to meet existential suffering and work it through. In order to do this, the attitude toward pain has to change. This happens when we accept the fact that everything that happens to us has been designed for our spiritual growth. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and wisdom.”
Dr Steve Taylor psychologist explains in his book ‘Extraordinary Awakenings: When Trauma Leads to Transformation’ how trauma and adversity leads to a greater understanding of who we truly are. For 15 years, he researched cases of spontaneous awakening that occurred in the midst of intense psychological trauma such as bereavement, severe depression, addiction, intense stress, and suffering. A miraculous transformation sometimes occurs: The death of an old identity and the birth of a new, spiritually awakened Self. He explains what we can learn from the phenomenon and teach some principles that can apply to our own spiritual development and Enlightenment. This process is due to the process of the disillusion of identity or ego, breaking down the sense of identity and ego, allowing for the emergence of a deeper essential Self. So trauma can lead to new depths of spiritual awakening that most of us find difficult to imagine. Even during deep depression one can feel moments of elation walking in the woods feeling connected and uplifted – trees seem like sentient beings and the sky feels to have radiance a sense that all things are one and you are a part of this oneness. The world feels like harmony, clarity, and Truth. The experience leaves you with a sense that life is more meaningful. One can finally understand and accept oneself through these spiritual journeys or awakening experiences – one feels more intensely and fully awake. When we return to normal consciousness, we carry them with us and gain a positivity about life. This is transformation through turmoil – going through a dramatic transformation into a higher functioning state, which is equivalent to permanent spiritual awakening. In addicts it may manifest itself as ‘addiction release’ – a sudden freedom from craving after hitting rock bottom. It also happens during depression and grief loss. People experience this shift as a new identity: A shift into a new and integrated Self-system which is fundamentally different to their previous self-system. Steve Taylor says “It’s like there are two people – there’s a before and after.” People feel that “There’s no going back. I am a different person now, for the rest of my life... I’ve moved into another level of consciousness which I know is going to stay with me. It’s like the transformation of a caterpillar goes through during the chrysalis stage before emerging as a butterfly.” As long as you let go and step back from your predicament you can remain in an ongoing state of bliss and harmony.
In his study about activities and situations associated with awakening experiences (n=97) the most common trigger is psychological turmoil =37 (stress, depression, bereavement), followed by contact with nature =23, followed by spiritual practice = 21 (meditation, prayer, yoga), spiritual literature =15, love/sex =5, watching or listening to arts performances =3. It is almost that joy and despair are not opposites, but they are intertwined. These experiences can last days. In some cases, people undergo a permanent shift inside them almost as though they have taken on a new identity.
At rock bottom the false house of the ego collapses. The normal self and identity give way, and again there is an open space inside us. In some people this gives space for a latent Higher Self to emerge and fill, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. It has been waiting to arise. Why doesn’t everyone undergo this transformation? The person has to have a sense of openness and readiness to experience and empathy to the world. People with strong control or ego are less likely to let go and see this change. It’s a question of readiness – the ego is not ready to emerge. The main factor in transformation is acknowledgment and acceptance. People identify a moment where they stop fighting, surrender and open themselves, and embrace their situation rather than push it away. Drop into your suffering: Let go.
Dr Steve Taylor describes a 3-stage process to harnessing the transformational potential of adversity when crises occur in our lives:
1. Acknowledgement – face the reality of your predicament/situation – remain open - don’t mentally push it away – acknowledge it – bring it to the forefront of your awareness. It means contemplating the effects on your life, accepting the consequences and acknowledging the effects on people in your life around you. Face your fears.
2. Exploration – go inside yourself, enter your own being and bring the light of awareness and explore your own experience. Be aware of your negative feelings and the thoughts which accompany them. Even if the feelings are painful, the pain will diminish as you become aware of them. You will become aware of a space or distance from those thoughts or feelings. Allow that distance to grow wider and expand, through recovery. You will feel how the emotions or thoughts become less disturbing like ripples on a lake that fade away and settle until the surface of the lake becomes calm. The light of awareness takes away anxiety. We become one with our feelings and they become more benign and harmonious. Like you are simply sitting in stillness watch the river go by. Feel your feelings then let them go.
3. Acceptance – the most important stage of this process - once you are aware of your resistance, you can make a conscious decision to let go of it. Instead, embrace and accept your predicament. Accept the predicament and the feelings and thoughts that accompany it. Let go and release. Imagine a bond or cord connecting you to the situation – you can feel the tension connecting you to the experience – now imagine that the cord dissolves and as it dissolves you feel release. You can do this with your outbreaths when meditating and let go of your connection to these emotions. Then you undergo a transformation – feeling wellbeing and release rather than conflict. The more present you become the richer the experience is. Look at your life from a panorama as though it’s a landscape – embrace the whole of the landscape just as it is right now in a mode of acceptance and openness. Accept the 'isness' of the present moment.
The 4 main triggers for relapse are: Resentment; Self pity; ‘Stinking thinking’ and ‘Terminal uniqueness’ (“If you had problems like me you would act out too”).
The alchemy of acceptance: Trauma can leave your life in ruins, or it can transform you and give rise to the depths of your BEing and give structure, strength and a miraculous new Self. Desire for a different life will no longer plague your mind. You will feel a constant flow of gratitude for the gifts you have. All these are the result of acceptance. Grief needs acceptance. Trauma needs acceptance. Addiction needs acceptance. When we resist any aspect of our life it creates discord, resentment, duality (always in opposition and conflict to something). If you accept it you become one with it and your life becomes harmonious. Let go of your resistance. There is an evolutionary aspect to these experiences. Spiritual awakening is part of the evolution of human consciousness to a higher functioning state. Winston Churchill said "If you're going through 'Hell', keep going." And remember that you are not alone...
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Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.
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