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Dancing With Death: One Week On

Updated: Mar 23

I was admitted to the Coronary Care Unit a week ago for three days with continuous cardiac monitoring, with a massive pulmonary embolus (blood clot) to both lungs and multiple emboli throughout my lungs. The main clot was a saddle embolus, which means that it sat across both main of the blood vessels to my lungs, and it was almost totally occlusive (blocked). See my recent article entitled 'What Being Close to Death Taught Me This Weekend.' 


I write this, sitting at home, having made a physical recovery, but what are the psychological sequelae and why was I sent this lesson? You see, I was was dancing with death, but nothing happens by chance in the Universe. As Albert Einstein once wrote "I am at all events convinced that He does not play dice.”


When did you last face death, and what did it teach you?


"Ascent of the Blessed' by Hieronymus Bosch, made between 1505 and 1515. It depicts angels helping human Souls towards Heaven. It is said that the dying go into the light of Heaven "Naked and alone"


Fearless

Directed by Peter Weir, the 1993 American film 'Fearless' follows a man (actor Jeff Bridges as Max Klein - in what is widely regarded as one of the best performances of his career) who survives a devastating plane crash, and the harrowing experience dramatically changes his personality.


In the film, the plane plummets, but Klein is strangely calm (I totally identify with this - at no point did I feel scared). This calm enables him to dispel fear in the flight cabin. Max was telling his business partner, Jeff Gordon, of his fear of flying as they took off. In the aftermath of the crash, most passengers died. Among the few survivors, most are terribly injured but Max is unhurt. The crash site is chaotic, filled with first responders and other emergency personnel.


Focusing on the survivors, a team of investigators from the FAA and the airline conduct interviews. Max is repelled by all the chaos and disgusted by the investigators wanting to interview him. As he survived without injury, he thinks himself invulnerable to death.


Later on, cognitive dissonance spurs Max to a panic attack. He runs out of the office, to the roof of the building. He climbs onto the roof's edge. As Max stands on the ledge, looking down at the streets below, his panic subsides. He rejoices in fearlessness. He recovers his emotional connection to his family, to the world, and to the reality of another chance at life.


Near the finale of the film, as Max lies on the ground, he relives moving from the fuselage of the aircraft and for a moment moves towards the tunnel of light that appears to be modelled on the painting by Hieronymus Bosch (see the image above). 'Fearless' is like a short story that shines a bright light, briefly, into a corner where you usually do not look.


The facts

My pulmonary embolus (PE) came out of nowhere and left me gasping for air, in excruciating pain, lightheaded, and disorientated. I pretty much collapsed. I was picked up in a blue light ambulance. I spent three days with continuous cardiac monitoring on the Coronary Care Unit. I looked death in the eye, and it didn’t take me away. 


High-risk PE, also known as massive PE, is when the right ventricle of the heart is severely affected, causing haemodynamic instability (characterised by a massive drop in blood pressure and clinical shock).


All-cause hospital mortality for massive PE ranges from 44 to 65%, depending on the study cited. As the majority of deaths occur during first hour of presentation an organised approach within the 'Golden hour' is advised. I did not receive the medication required during the acute presentation (it took me 8 hours to get an injection of the blood thinner that I needed) and yet I still survived.


PE affect about 430,000 people each year in Europe. In the United States, between 300,000 and 600,000 cases occur each year, which contribute to at least 40,000 deaths. Rates are similar in males and females. 


A PE restricts blood flow to your lungs, lowers oxygen levels in your lungs and increases blood pressure in your pulmonary arteries. This condition is an acute severe medical emergency. Without quick treatment, a PE can cause heart or lung damage and even death. First described in the 1800s, PE can be classified as acute or chronic, as submassive (25%–50% obstruction) or massive (>50% obstruction). I had a massive saddle PE plus multiple clots across both lungs. Studies show that the overall mortality rates for massive PE were 71.4%.


More than a third of deaths occur on the day of presentation. 


Seeing that over two thirds of people with massive PE, as I had, do not survive makes me realise that I was very fortunate to walk out of the hospital alive: I was in a minority.


The lessons

Everything in life is a lesson: Everything. I believe that there were several lessons here:

  • Nothing happens in God's world by chance: God clearly had other plans for me to serve. I have work to do. It’s ironic in a way that I have recently been writing articles on ‘Your True Calling’

  • What is important to me? What are my priorities? See my article 'What Matters in Life: 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying''

  • Have gratitude for what you have: Being close to death teaches you what is important and what is not important - it allows you to get your priorities straight. It made me realise that all that matters are the people that love me and whom I love unconditionally, including my family and close friends (you also find out who these people are), and that I am set on my true path with respect to my dharma. Had I not been following my new true calling, I pondered today if my Higher Power would not have reached out a nurturing and healing hand. It’s quite possible that he wouldn’t

  • You are always being watched over and looked after by your Higher Power

  • That prayer and meditation do work

  • That Faith works and is real: You can depend on it

  • We never need to be afraid You do not need to live in survival mode

  • We can stop worrying about silly things

  • There is a mysterious power at work at all times on our behalf, whether you choose to call it your Higher Power/ God/ love/ or the Universe. Regardless of the name that we attribute, the Universe does indeed work in mysterious ways

  • Ryan Holiday talks about the Stoic philosophy, ‘Memento Mori’, which means ‘remember you will die,’ the ancient practice of reflection on our mortality that goes back to Socrates, who said that the proper practice of philosophy is “About nothing else but dying and being dead.” We all need a little reminder every now and again. I have certainly had mine

  • In difficulty lies your greatest treasure - you realise that you are more resilient and indestructible than you could ever have imagined, that your Higher Power is always there to support you, that there are people who truly love you unconditionally, and that suffering is the crucible for spiritual evolution


How has this event impacted me?

Next week I have a total body scan for cancer, as one third of patients with PE without an apparent cause (immobility from long-haul flights or surgery for example), have got an undiagnosed cancer. But I am not worried. I have Faith that the scan will be normal.


Like Arjuna, the warrior archer in ‘The Bhagavad Gita’, the battlefield for my life, through a dialogue with God, reaffirmed the dharma and meaning of my life. You have to find your dharma, do it with passion, let go of outcomes, and turn it all over to God. It may feel like jumping off a cliff. You are not jumping blindly, it is a leap of Faith. Faith has nothing to do with believing in a ‘God’. Faith is seeing infinity in the petals of a flower, in the eyes and the joy of a child, in the panorama of the ocean or the awe and wonder in the star-studded night sky and knowing, without question, that there is a Universal intelligence that is guiding all things together with Love. Sören Kierkegaard wrote "Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further... The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays." Marianne Williamson wrote "To trust in the force that moves the Universe is Faith. Faith isn't blind; it's visionary. Faith is believing that the Universe knows what it's doing. Faith is the psychological awareness of an unfolding force for good, constantly at work in all dimensions." Mahatma Gandhi wrote "A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable Faith in their mission can alter the course of history... If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living Faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." I have weathered the blackest storm this weekend that almost took me: But God is not ready for me yet. I have work to do.

 

Proximity to death also teaches you that you do not need to be afraid. At no point during the onset of my symptoms, my admission, and my sojourn did I feel fear. In fact, a tremendous peace and calm settled over me. I felt a higher presence watching over me. I saw the fear in the eyes of the souls all around me: I wrote this article from my beeping bed for them. Dear Souls, this too shall pass.

 

Being on your deathbed also causes all of your other little daily, repetitive worries to disappear. Trauma is definitely a catalyst for transformation and the dissolution of your ego. 


Ernest Hemingway wrote that “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross said, “Beautiful people do not just happen.” They evolve. Each painful setback teaches a lesson. You and I can choose how struggle changes us. It can make us bitter, or it can make us better. It can harden us, or it can soften us. Beautiful people choose the second path. They let suffering open them, not close them. The most beautiful people are not just touched by life. They’re defined by it. They carry the scars and the wisdom. And they give us hope. Struggle breaks people, but it also builds them.


Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, took his pain and turned it into wisdom. He helped others find meaning. Pain transforms people. It teaches compassion. It shows what truly matters. Those who have lived this Truth shine differently.


The soul cannot live without meaning. We have to create meaning in this empty world. When we return to our sense of meaning we will feel like a return to simplicity, light, love, peace, joy, and bliss.


Hemingway and Kübler-Ross’ words remind me of the Japanese art of kintsugi. Broken pottery isn’t discarded. It’s repaired with gold. The cracks don’t hide. They make it more beautiful.


Rumi wrote “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”


It really is all about love. Slow down, breathe, and listen to what life has planned for you next. Listen to the bird song, watch the trees dance in the wind, see the glory of the sun, our very own star. When you think you are taking your breath for the last time, maybe you are really taking it for the first time. As Jesus said "You must die to be reborn."


The most profound change I’m aware of just now is a growing realisation that life is not personal (the ego). This may seem a surprising or even strange view to those unfamiliar with Eastern spirituality, but it has powerful implications. It’s very freeing to realise that events in my life are arising because of circumstances in which I am not involved, but that I’m not at the centre of them in any particular way. They’re impersonal. They’re arising because of causes and conditions. They are not “me.” There is a profound freedom in this. It makes life much more peaceful and harmonious because I’m not in reaction to events all the time. My blood clots were not me, in the same way that a hand isn’t. If you lose a hand, you are still you.

 

We have already arrived; and we have the potential in each moment to wake up to our true nature.


Conclusion

Sometimes you dance with death, and God never plays dice with it. While I was in hospital I prayed incessantly. I truly believe that this helped me. Mostly my prayers were of thanks. All is well. You will be ok. You can survive anything.


As I allow myself to fall from my mind into the soft pillows of my heart, one week on, I reflect on what inspires me and makes me feel alive, with a sense of wonder like the very first time I remember having seen snow or my first Christmas. Memento Mori can be invigorating and humbling. Just remember to love.


As St Francis of Assisi said, “Wear the world like a loose garment, which touches us in a few places and there lightly,” which means to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose of the Universe. Pray that God may be with you in your journey through the world and that you may know that God is planning every step in your journey.


You can forget about the future. Live in the present moment. The future will become the present and will take care of itself. Everything will turn out well, even if it wasn't what you expected or had planned, as long as you stay on the spiritual path. Every day that you are alive, you have an opportunity to help someone. This is spiritual evolution.


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly


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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.




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