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Emotional Sobriety

Updated: Jan 28

Emotional sobriety is when what you believe about your Self matches the facts about you and you feel good about your Self. Our default position is to believe the worst. When you are emotionally sober, the input of others does not determine what you think about your Self. You are not dependent on other people, places, events, or things for your joy. You are not dependent on external validation for Self-love and Self-worth.


Emotional insobriety makes you feel afraid when everything is actually ok. Believe in your Self. Let go of outcomes. Let go of control.


Simply serve the present moment in front of you. The 12 step recovery Big Book calls emotional insobriety the root of the problem. It’s grounded in fear. It’s an emotional syndrome. It always causes us to ultimately fail unless we do something about it. Surrender it.


The path to emotional sobriety


Emotional sobriety means that we aren't emotionally intoxicated nor buffeted by the storms of our emotions.


Emotional sobriety is the diamond, the crux of it, the distillation of the most important spiritual gold, the essence of healing and recovery. There is a solution, uncovered 70 years ago by Bill W., known around the world as Bill W., a founder of the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program of recovery. The solution is a practice called emotional sobriety. Bill W., found his solution in the concept of emotional sobriety, essentially the practice of learning not to try to control your emotions but rather to understand and moderate your reactions to them. In “The Next Frontier: Emotional Sobriety,” a letter written by Bill in 1953 he reflects on how even longtime sober AA members can lack emotional maturity, craving approval and security like dependent adolescents. He shares his personal struggles with this, realising he must relinquish irrational dependencies on people and circumstances to access emotional freedom. Wilson suggests that the means to this emotional freedom is the outgoing, unconditional love embodied in the Prayer of St. Francis, the 11th Step Prayer. Emotional sobriety - Bill Wilson’s letter was published in the Grapevine Magazine in 1958 titled: “Emotional Sobriety - The Next Frontier.”


Emotional sobriety occurs because our basic beliefs are false. It’s based on our most basic fear that we will be abandoned. We won’t be abandoned. We are worthy. We are loved. Our fear is that because we are unloved, unlovable and unworthy and that we will be abandoned and therefore die, because that is what happens when a child is abandoned, and we carry that fear into adulthood.


It necessitates a profound change in our entire way of thinking. This change in our thinking results in a change in our character. That change in character is the result of your actions plus Grace. You have done the inner work. Just drop the self-hatred. Accept Grace - you are touched by it. There is nothing to do apart from believe in and love your Self. God will give you those too, as Jesus said "My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one" (John 10:29-30). The best talk that I have ever heard about emotional sobriety is by Tom B.:


'Emotional Sobriety' by Tom B.


The solutions to emotional insobriety (in order to achieve emotional sobriety) are:

  • Surrender powerlessness over this condition - this involves Faith with action based on guidance by our Higher Power

  • Change from self-hatred to unconditional Self-love: Accept your Self as you are right now. The moment you accept your Self is the moment you begin to change. No more fear of not being good enough or of being abandoned. Accept all the parts of your Self as a whole (inner child, shadow and Higher Power). That’s your state of BEing. "Your Faith has made you whole" (Luke 17:19)

  • The negative beliefs we carry are all false. Examine your negative self-beliefs - Byron Katie's work is relevant here - how would you feel if you believed the opposite of what you think?

  • Connect with others who are compassionate. Ideally Enlightened Witnesses 

  • Ask for help if needed

  • Forgive your Self

  • Love your Self and stop hating your Self

  • Serve others - give to others what you want and need without expectation - give unconditional love. You will discover the great law of life - Karma: What you give is what you get. "What I do to you is what I do to me". "This is a giving life "as Chuck C. used to say. It is only in giving that we may receive

  • Take it easy and experience your feelings as they really are, face them square-on, and deal with them on a day-to-day basis, avoiding behaviour that you have come to identify as troublesome. In the past, we were swept away by our emotions, trapped in that vicious cycle of automatic behaviours and feelings that reinforced how badly we felt about ourselves. It's difficult to experience feelings as they really are in that warlike state. In sobriety, we identify and face the behaviours and negative thoughts that leave us emotionally wrung out. We surrender our past pain and trauma as well as the lies we tell ourselves. We let others affirm and love us. We are worthwhile people. We no longer need to escape into addiction because of overwhelming, unpleasant feelings. As we emerge from our emotional haze, we are more present and more willing to act from our heart. Now, when we begin to feel unhealthy emotions, we ask our Higher Power and others for help. We begin to feel a profound connection to God and to life. We have stopped struggling and are flowing with life. As we become emotionally sober, we are more open, honest, respectful, grateful and loving. We embrace our emotions, as they make us feel alive and connected to life. Use the mantra: "I am emotionally present and learning to act from my heart. My emotions flow with the current of life."


Marcus Aurelius said that "Comfort is the worst addiction."


Marcus Aurelius said that "Comfort is the worst addiction."


The following is a great lecture b y Tom B. about emotional sobriety:


Tom B. on the solution - emotional sobriety


Chris S. on emotional sobriety:


Chris S. on 'The Frontier of Emotional Sobriety.'


Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you: Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.


George Bernard Shaw wrote that “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” Are you ready to change your mind?


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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