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The Last Supper

Updated: Jan 29

Today I go overseas to have my ‘Last Supper’ with my dying mother. I am writing this on my way there. I wasn’t expecting to see her again one last time. I wrote my goodbye letter to her recently. I resisted going to see her: But my heart told me to go. Our emotions are our guide...


She has severe dementia and has also recently been found to have stage four brain cancer with widespread cancer deposits as metastases throughout her body including her lungs. So, this really will be our last supper before she dies in the coming days, or a few weeks at most.


I have mixed emotions about going: A triggering myriad of grief, love, suppressed anger, fear, sadness, tenderness, and apprehension. I am managing to hold and express them all simultaneously, something that I could not have done before my inner journey. I do not want to see my tormentor and abuser again who did her best to wreck (although she failed) our whole family with her dysfunctional behaviour and constant emotional abuse; I feel that I should say one last goodbye even though her soul has long gone as a result of her dementia (there is nothing behind her eyes - just darkness and terror); I want to use this moment to fully close the door to my past, my trauma, and to the great betrayal by my mother. She robbed me of my childhood. She didn't allow me to be me.


(Do carry on reading, there is a last minute plot twist...)


I will allow my Self to cry the uncried tears of my childhood. Her empty eyes will see me, even though she never saw, heard, valued, or unconditionally loved me as a child. I will finally let out the emotions that I had to suppress to survive, and then I will let them go. I also want to use this moment to forgive her, in order to set my family free of the intergenerational trauma that has been so carelessly and unconsciously passed down, as it does in the vast majority of families. I have been lucky enough to become aware of it and turn it all around. Have you and your family? Why and how do our parents betray us? Why does anyone betray anyone else? Have you been betrayed by someone?


How do you live when your own mother was your very own Judas and you were not conscious of it? I am no longer waiting for my tormentor to wake up and abuse me. She betrayed me with a kiss that was conditional. I will not betray her: I will tell her that I love her (because I do - souls love one another) and I will say my last goodbye. I will practice loving detachment. She will never read my letter to her, and she will die loved and at peace. I pray that her smile (that I saw so rarely as a child) will return once more, however briefly, as well as the light in her eyes. I am reparenting my Self. The Last Supper will be tomorrow lunchtime. Will my mother behave like Judas or Jesus when I see her for the last time? I will be back, relieved and ready to serve you, in three days...


The 'Last Supper'

I woke this morning thinking of the famous iconic painting in Milan of the ‘Last Supper’ (Italian – ‘Il Cenacolo’) by Leonardo da Vinci, the genius artist, philosopher, polymath, and spiritual Master of the High Renaissance, based on the event described in the Bible.


The 'Last Supper' by Leonardo da Vinci

 

The painting represents the scene of the 'Last Supper’ of Jesus with the Twelve Apostles, as it is told in the Gospel of John. Its handling of space, mastery of perspective, treatment of motion and complex display of the entire range of human emotion has made it one of the Western world's most recognisable paintings and among Leonardo da Vinci's most celebrated works. I am very much identifying with it right now as a veritable horde of emotions come gushing upwards inside me, along with the lessons that come with them.


I am not religious in any way by the way: I am a scientist. But I believe in the awe, wonder, and power of the Universe. Historians agree that there is no doubt that Jesus existed, as well as the twelve disciples. Jesus was a great philosopher who spoke only Truth and he was love, embodying it fully. The Last Supper is beyond doubt as a historical event: Jesus having a final meal with his Disciples is beyond dispute among scholars, and belongs to the framework of the narrative of Jesus' life. Howard Marshall states that any doubt about the historicity of the Last Supper should be abandoned. The Last Supper took place in what is today called The Room of the Last Supper on Mount Zion, just outside the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem. I will be having my own last supper with my mother in France tomorrow. The Last Supper has much to teach us about our way of BEing in this world. Open your mind, you will find what you are looking for...


The Bible is really a book full of metaphors that are written as psychological lessons. There are a number of lessons in the Last Supper.


The Last Supper provides the scriptural basis for the Eucharist, also known as "Holy Communion" or "The Lord's Supper." The First Epistle to the Corinthians contains the earliest known mention of the Last Supper. The four canonical gospels state that the Last Supper took place in the week of Passover, days after Jesus's triumphal entry into Jerusalem, and before Jesus was crucified on Good Friday. 


During the meal, Jesus predicts his betrayal by one of the Apostles present, and foretells that before the next morning, Peter will thrice deny knowing him. The three Synoptic Gospels and the First Epistle to the Corinthians include the account of the institution of the Eucharist in which Jesus takes bread, breaks it and gives it to those present, saying "This is my body given to you." The Gospel of John tells of Jesus washing the feet of the Apostles, giving the new commandment "To love one another as I have loved you," and has a detailed farewell discourse by Jesus, calling the Apostles who follow his teachings "Friends and not servants", as he prepares them for his departure. Jesus taught love, humility, and peace. He was also arguably the most influential and powerful human beings in human history. There is no coincidence there.


My mother cannot walk any longer and sleeps much of the time due to the amount of morphine that she is requiring to treat the intractable headaches from her multiple brain tumours and cancer deposits all over her body. They brain tumours have eaten through her skull. She has a 10 cm wound on top of her head with no bone left beneath it. But I know that her soul will wake her up just enough to share a last supper with us.


What follows are the lessons from the ‘Last Supper’ and their significance to the life of my family.

 

Jesus was pure love

The term ‘agape’. Is used to describe pure, unconditional, in other words ‘divine’, love. Agape, in the New Testament, refers to the fatherly love of God for humans. This is the kind of love that we should all aspire to and that should be a pre-requisite for any relationship. This is certainly the kind of love that a mother should have for her son. My mother did not. Her love was conditional. She didn't love me. She asked my father to leave when I was two years old. So all I had left was my puppy, which she gave away.


Jesus told us in John (13:34) "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another": In other words to love one another ‘unconditionally.’ Two similar statements by Jesus also appear later in John (15:12): "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you", and John (15:17): "This is my command: Love each other." Did your parents give you unconditional love? Do you know what unconditional love is? Could you define it? Do you know how to give and receive it? Are you able to? If you can’t, how do you go about starting to? For answers to all these questions see my article ‘Love’:


The betrayal by Judas

In Matthew (26:24–25), Mark (14:18–21), Luke (22:21–23) and John (13:21–30), during the meal, Jesus predicted that one of the Apostles present would betray him. Jesus is described as reiterating, despite each Apostle's assertion that he would not betray Jesus, that the betrayer would be one of those who were present, and saying (Mark 14:20-21) that there would be "Woe to the man who betrays the Son of man! It would be better for him if he had not been born." In Matthew (26:23–25) and John (13:26–27), Judas is specifically identified as the traitor. In the Gospel of John, when asked about the traitor, Jesus states: "It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish." Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. As soon as Judas took the bread, 'Satan' entered into him. There is no Satan, but there is a personal 'Hell' if you choose it. Judas chose his own personal Hell by betraying Jesus.


Judas betrayed Jesus to the Sanhedrin in the Garden of Gethsemane by kissing him on the cheek, thus identifying and betraying him with a kiss - "the kiss of Judas" and addressing him as "Master" to reveal his identity in the darkness to the crowd who had come to arrest him. Why do people act in ‘the name of love’ (but really this is hate and ‘imitation love’ masquerading as real love) as U2 sang so beautifully:


‘Pride (In The Name of Love) by U2:


“...In the name of love

What more in the name of love?

In the name of love

What more in the name of love?


One man caught on a barbed wire fence

One man he resist

One man washed up on an empty beach

One man betrayed with a kiss


Nothing like love

There's nothing like love

Nobody like you

There's nobody like you


Early morning, April 4

Shot rings out in the Memphis sky

Free at last, they took your life

They could not take your pride…”


‘Pride (In The Name of Love) by U2


Judas’ name is often used synonymously with betrayal. Judas’s surname ‘Iscariot’ is more probably a corruption of the Latin sicarius (meaning 'murderer' or 'assassin') than an indication of family origin, suggesting that he would have belonged to the Sicarii, some of whom were terrorists. The Gospel of Matthew (26:15) states that Judas committed the betrayal in exchange for thirty pieces of silver. Has anyone who has betrayed you done so for financial gain? Most likely the answer is yes. The reason is never the reason – it’s always to do with the greed of the other.


According to Matthew (27:1–10), after learning that Jesus was to be crucified, Judas attempted to return the money he had been paid for his betrayal to the chief priests and committed suicide by hanging himself. 


The person who betrays always ends up dying from their own poison. This is the lesson and it's true.


My mother is dying alone, bitter, angry, and full of fear. I am sure that her dementia resulted from not having done any inner work in her life. For people who hate and betray, their life becomes a repeated pattern of hate, never loving themselves, and a descent into a personal Hell, forever chasing satisfaction, which is forever out of reach, like 'hungry ghosts' who don't even exist in the real world, and losing their mental health, minds and their soul in the process. 


As Epictetus wrote “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best... Other people's views and troubles can be contagious. Don't sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others... Only the educated are free.” Bitterness is like drinking acid and hoping that it will hurt the object of your desire and unwarranted hate. Buddha said “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Walk away from caustic and toxic people.


Matthew (26:14–16) and John (12:6) designate Judas’s motive as avarice, but Luke (22:3–6) ascribes his action to the entrance of Satan into his body, paralleling John (13:27). The priests used the money to buy a field to bury strangers in, which was called the "Field of Blood" because it had been bought with ‘blood money’. The Book of Acts (1:18) quotes Peter as saying that Judas used the money to buy the field himself and, he "Fell headlong... burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out." Augustine of Hippo suggested that these describe different aspects of the same event - that Judas hanged himself in the field, and the rope eventually snapped and the fall burst his body open. His place among the Twelve Apostles was readily soon filled by another more Saintly Apostle.

 

The early Church Father Papias of Hierapolis records in his Expositions of the Sayings of the Lord (which was probably written around 100 AD) that Judas was afflicted by God's wrath; his body became so enormously bloated that he could not pass through a street with buildings on either side. His face became so swollen that a doctor could not even identify the location of his eyes using an optical instrument. Judas' genitals became enormously swollen and oozed with pus and worms. Pretty grim! Finally, he killed himself on his own land by pouring out his innards onto the ground, which stank so horribly that, even in Papias' own time a century later, people still could not pass the site without holding their noses. This story was well known among Christians in antiquity and was often told in competition with the two conflicting stories from the New Testament. Luke stated that Judas took the body posture of a snake and died like one. However, the Catholic biblical scholar John L. McKenzie states "This passage probably echoes the fate of the wicked in..." the Deuterocanonical book Wisdom of Solomon (4:19) "The Lord will dash them speechless to the ground, and shake them from the foundations; they will be left utterly dry and barren, and they will suffer anguish, and the memory of them will perish. "Matthew wrote that Jesus said that "Woe is upon him", and he would "Have been better unborn" (Matthew 26:23–25). Karl Daub, in his book 'Judas Iscariot', writes that Judas should be considered "an incarnation of the devil" for whom "mercy and blessedness are alike impossible." Once he had betrayed Jesus, Judas could only “Seek his own destruction" (Matthew 27:4).

 

The gospels suggest that Jesus foresaw (John 6:64, Matthew 26:25) and allowed Judas' betrayal (John 13:27–28). One explanation is that Jesus allowed the betrayal because it would allow God's plan to be fulfilled. Another is that regardless of the betrayal, Jesus was ultimately destined for crucifixion. In April 2006, a Coptic papyrus manuscript titled the Gospel of Judas from 200 AD was translated, suggesting that Jesus told Judas to betray him. This self-sabotage was in order to be born again through resurrection, resulting in total transformation to pure divinity and infinite possibility.

 

According to the apocryphal Gospel of Nicodemus, which was probably written in the fourth century AD, Judas was overcome with remorse and went home to tell his wife, who was roasting a chicken on a spit over a charcoal fire, that he was going to kill himself, because he knew Jesus would rise from the dead and, when he did, he would punish him. Judas' wife laughed and told him that Jesus could no more rise from the dead than he could resurrect the chicken she was cooking. Immediately, the chicken was restored to life and began to crow! Judas then ran away and hanged himself. 


In the apocryphal Gospel of Judas, Judas has a vision of the disciples stoning and persecuting him. The 14th-century cosmographer al-Dimashqī maintains that Judas assumed Jesus’ likeness and was crucified in his place. Whatever the outcome, it wasn't pretty.

 

Judas never showed signs of remorse, despite being the executioner of the greatest human being that walked this Earth so far. Just think, every time that you write a date, you are referencing Jesus' birth. Not many people are still spoken above over two millennia after their death. Whereas, in contrast, the name Judas is synonymous with traitor and treachery with a 'Judas kiss'.

 

His betrayal is seen as setting in motion the events that ultimately led to Jesus' resurrection, which, according to theology and philosophy brought salvation to humanity. Betrayal brings joy and peace to others by catalysing their transformation but leads to your own demise: Here is the lesson of this Biblical metaphor.

 

I am sure that we can all list people in our lives who claimed to love us but in fact betrayed us when it mattered the most. I recount a number of people who fit the ‘Judas’ role in my own life, who pretended to be other than they were, claiming that they loved me, when all they could offer was ‘imitation love’ followed by betrayal as they did not know what real love was, notably a few people in recent times. But most of all my mother betrayed me. Any parent who does not give unconditional love to their children is betraying them. This results in much ‘hidden’ childhood trauma, which manifests as mental illness and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).


Jesus predicts that he will be denied three times

In Matthew (26:33–35), Mark (14:29–31), Luke (22:33–34) and John (13:36–8), Jesus predicts that Peter will deny knowledge of him, stating that Peter will disown him three times before the rooster crows the next morning. The three Synoptic Gospels mention that after the arrest of Jesus, Peter denied knowing him three times, but after the third denial, heard the rooster crow and recalled the prediction as Jesus turned to look at him. Peter then began to cry bitterly. This is what happens when we betray someone: It only brings us pain.


Institution of the Eucharist

In chapter 26 of the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus prays thanks for the bread, divides it, and hands the pieces of bread to his Disciples, saying "Take, eat, this is my body." Later in the meal Jesus takes a cup of wine, offers another prayer, and gives it to those present, saying "Drink from it, all of you; for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will never again drink of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom." In chapter 22 of the Gospel of Luke, however, the wine is blessed and distributed before the bread, followed by the bread, then by a second, larger cup of wine, as well as somewhat different wordings. Additionally, according to Paul and Luke, he tells the disciples "Do this in remembrance of me." Right now, as I speed towards her, all I want to do is to forget my mother. I will not give another second of my time to anyone who has betrayed me: I will just remember the lessons.

 

Washing of the feet of the apostles

John 13 includes the account of the washing the feet of the Apostles by Jesus before the Last Supper. In this episode, Apostle Peter objects and does not want to allow Jesus to wash his feet, but Jesus answers him, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me" after which Peter agrees.


To me this resonates with the humility expounded by Mahatma Gandhi. When Gandhi went to London to negotiate with the monarchy regarding India’s release, a British journalist asked him: “What is your secret?” In other words, how does a tiny Hindu ascetic with homespun clothes and no shoes bring the largest empire in history to its knees?


Gandhi’s answer was simply six words: “I strive to make myself zero.”


By “zero”, Gandhi was referring to arriving at a place of such selfless love that each thought, word and deed was motivated wholly by the welfare and wellbeing of others, and not for his own gratification. He didn’t claim to have arrived at that place, in fact he often admitted quite the opposite, but he was striving.


I believe this is the missing link in all our troubles and conflicts today. It requires letting go of the need for external validation and approval (quite a task in today’s fake mask-wearing, conflict-seeking social media world of drama based on inauthenticity and lies), and abandoning the need for self-aggrandisement. This is especially difficult – and now even more important – in our celebrity-centric Dystopian dysfunctional culture that would have us believe that contribution follows significance, instead of Gandhi’s paradigm: Significance is the unsought-for-by-product of contribution and service.


St. Thomas Aquinas viewed The Father, Christ, and the Holy Spirit as teachers and masters who provide lessons, at times by example. For Aquinas, the Last Supper and the Cross form the summit of the teaching that wisdom flows from intrinsic Grace and Real Personal Power, rather than external power. For Aquinas, at the Last Supper Christ taught by example, showing the value of humility (as reflected in John's foot washing narrative) and self-sacrifice, rather than by exhibiting external, miraculous powers. There is no doubt that Real Personal Power comes from within, and far outweighs that of ego. John 6:35 that states: "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry.” Aquinas stated that based on John 15:15 (in the Farewell discourse), in which Jesus said: "No longer do I call you servants; ...but I have called you friends," those who are followers of Christ and partake in the Sacrament of the Eucharist become his friends, as those gathered at the table of the Last Supper. For Aquinas, at the Last Supper Christ made the promise to be present in the Sacrament of the Eucharist, and to be with those who partake in it, as he was with his Disciples at the Last Supper.


So to all you haters, betrayers, and dysfunctional parents out there: You have much inner work to do. That's ok. We all do. Otherwise all your actions are simply the unconscious result of what your parents and society did to you. An Enlightened Witness may guide you. But it is up to you to take the red pill, wake up from the illusion and hate, do the inner work, and to walk through the open door to peace, joy, love, Run towards real love in your life! Truth, wisdom, purpose, abundance, and Real Personal Power. I am here to help men find their true Selves and let go of all the betrayals in your life. Find out who you truly are and get clarity on how the world really works: Take the journey of a lifetime. Say goodbye to your inner Judas (your ego). Don't hate yourself so much. Try love instead. Love always wins...


Is it Mary Magdalene in the painting?

Leonardo da Vinci deliberately showed male characters at times with faces that could be male or female. There has been much historical debate as to whether Peter depicted in the painting ‘The Last Supper’ was in fact Mary Magdalene: Jesus’ lover, who was referenced in Dan Brown’s ‘The Da Vinci Code’. Dan Brown states that the Priory of Sion and "all descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents and secret rituals in this novel are accurate."


This female and male depiction by Leonardo da Vinci has relevance to ‘The Divine Feminine’ and ‘The Divine Masculine’ – the concept that we all need to have both within us if we are to have a balanced and successful life full of joy, peace, and abundance.


The last supper with my mother

Marianne Williamson wrote in ‘Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey From Suffering to Enlightenment.’ that “Spiritual healing doesn’t lie in denying your pain but in feeling it fully and surrendering it to God. And then the miracles began.”


In the last week my mother has had a stroke with complete paralysis of the left side of her body. The tumours are pressing on different parts of her brain. She was slumped in her wheelchair when I saw her today. Her consciousness was very low for the six hours we spent together today - she was pretty much catatonic and her eyes were dead. Nothing and no-one scares me in this world apart from my own mother. Seeing her today I can see how fragile she is. She is no longer a monster. She can't hurt me any more. It takes courage to face the past. But until you do it has a hold on you and blocks your presence. 


With only two minutes to go until I left, without her knowing that I was about to leave, and that it was the last time that she would ever see me, her eyes lit up from dark coals to burning embers; she kissed me on the cheek, smiled like the Mona Lisa, looked deeply into my eyes and said the following words with great clarity:


"I love you. I adore you. I will look after all of you."


A miracle is simply a shift in perception from fear to love...


Indeed, and then the miracles began...


This was my view on the flight today. Enlightenment is when you note the clouds passing below you, and realise that you are the blue sky. That is what my mother achieved at her very own last supper. She chose to be Jesus rather than Judas. Love rather than fear. Better late than never. Not every kiss is a Judas kiss. In approaching death, my mother chose love.


When we reconnect through authenticity, vulnerability, humility, and unconditional love, our buried unbearable childhood memories will resurface: By gradually feeling and releasing the burden of unexpressed grief and other emotions, we move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humour, love and respect. We awaken to a sense of wholeness and wellbeing that we never knew was possible. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. This is a spiritual process based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside us, we will see beautiful changes in all of our relationships, in our Selves, and in our parents. We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves. We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves. We will see miracles born of love. Perhaps we should all take the inward journey and awaken before our death-beds?


Your journey is uniquely yours, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Everyone benefits from an Enlightened Witness.


It takes immense courage to explore deeply personal and complex emotions. The more I navigate life the more I want to lean into all my feelings, dive head first to feel them all, then let them go. Amidst the pain, we will find peace and healing.


We try to avoid unfelt fear by holding onto painful emotions and so we suffer. Once we are totally open and vulnerable we can feel, express, and let go of our emotions, face our fears, and realise that they are puppies not wolves. We walk where wolves fear to tread. We become the wilderness.


Notice when you want to step into fear instead of love. Always remember that the only two things that you must always do are to breathe and to feel. Oh, and walk away from crazy.


Fear causes an over attachment to, and identification with, the ego. The moment you truly surrender it feels so freeing as you build the confidence to know that whatever the world throws at you, you have Faith in knowing you will be able to weather the storm and go straight through the eye. You will have clarity amidst chaos. You will always know that “All is well."


In times of fear, we can imagine our Inner Child resting in warm, loving arms - feeling the comfort we did not receive as a child. We learn to reparent and love our Selves.


Throughout our healing and transformation, we use our challenges to propel us to a higher level of peace, understanding, and Self-love that would not have been possible otherwise. We trust that we are being led toward our greatest potential and highest possibility. When we accept our Selves for who we truly are, and feel the love that is all around us, we know we are inherently worthy. We learn patience with ourselves as we continue to grow, knowing we're being guided with love. We will no longer abandon our Selves in order to people-please or seek external validation.


Are you still a petrified little child or are you ready for your real life? Remember the '4F's' Feel feelings & face fears...


Who do you choose to BE and to run your life? Your wounded child or your Higher Self?


So to my mother I say "I love you, and au revoir."


Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families (ACA)

As well as psychotherapy and trauma therapy, anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family (which is the majority of us, whether we know it or not) can benefit from joining the ACA fellowship. You can see here if you resonate with its literature:


The Problem:


The Solution:


The Promises:


ATTEND A MEETING:


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


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