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Victim to Victor

Updated: Jan 25

Life often presents us with challenges that can make us feel like victims, helpless in the face of adversity. This sense of victimhood is accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety, as we grapple with situations beyond our control.


However, the journey from victim to victor is possible and transformative. It involves transcending those negative emotions and embracing personal growth, compassion, and leadership, all while avoiding the treacherous path of becoming a villain.


Does life happen to you (the victim) or for you (the victor)?


Victim to victor


The victim’s struggle

Anyone who has done any amount of self-inquiry has come across the debilitating human tendency of victimhood. And if you haven’t noticed yourself playing the victim, you have surely noticed when others have. The Victim features in the 'Drama Triangle': For my full article on this click here:



The Victim in this model is not intended to represent an actual victim, but rather someone feeling or acting like one, in order to obviate responsibility for their actions as an adult, instead retreating into the 7-year-old version of themselves. As Aristotle wrote “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” The Victim seeks to convince themselves and others that they cannot do anything, nothing can be done, all attempts are futile, despite their trying hard to the point of literal obsession. One payoff for this stance is avoiding real change or acknowledgement of their true feelings, which may bring anxiety and risk, while feeling they are doing all they can to escape it. As such, the Victim's stance is "Poor me!" As the 12-step aphorism goes "Poor me, pour me" - the actor claiming the Victim role may resort to various addictions to numb the pain of Truth, which is unbearable to the abysmally failing actor, as they refuse to do the inner work that is required. The Victim sees themselves as victimised, persecuted, oppressed, perpetually hypervigilant, dysregulated, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, achieve insight, or value their loved ones. They cannot see that they are enough; that what they have is enough. They are passive and can deny any responsibility for their negative circumstances and deny having the ability to change their circumstances. The Victim will remain with a Persecutor or, if not being persecuted, will set someone else up in the role of Persecutor to do their evil mischievous deeds for them. This is the territory of internet trolls, hiding one step away from reality. They will also seek help in inappropriate unhealthy places, creating one or more Rescuers to save the day, who will in reality perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings and leave the situation totally unchanged. Remember, the ego is a liar, and may assume the role of Rescuer. Rescuers never rescue anyone. The Victim does not take personal responsibility or accountability as an adult.


Our need for approval and acceptance from other humans is innate. We learn at a young age that when we are the victim, we are not the villain. We become addicted to being the victim, addicted to the 'love' we receive when we are, and addicted to the dopamine hits that our brain releases when there is an emergency. And most of this happens on a subconscious level. Without self-inquiry, it almost always goes undetected. But playing the victim will ruin your life. If you have taken on being the victim as a way of life, you may not see a reason to stop. Maybe it is serving you. Perhaps you are accustomed to it. It could be the only way you know how to live. And you may not see a reason to change it.


I implore you to consider the power you would have over your life if you chose to become the victor - which you can.


When you are the victim, you have no control over your life. You do not get to choose your path, for you can only take the path of victimhood. You must, therefore, acquiesce to whatever opportunity there is to create a villain - for there cannot be a victim without one. So being the victim requires you to live a life filled with villains. And you are dependent on your villains to remain the victim.


Victims do not recover. There are many things we must recover from as humans. But, when it comes to things mental and emotional, victims do not recover. This concept applies to everything from grief, trauma, and severe addictions to propensities towards self-harm or the harm of others. Victims simply do not recover. When you step out of the role of the victim, you no longer depend on your villains. You can remove them from your life.


When you stop being the victim, you can recover - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You can create a beautiful life for yourself. You can be free to choose.


Taking responsibility for your life might sound boring, and doing it may be uncomfortable. But if you take it on as a practice, it will become second nature - just like victimhood did.


There are the people who always have someone to blame for everything. Nothing is their fault and anything that isn’t desirable is the result of their circumstance or someone else. They never accept responsibility. There are those stuck in the cycle of victimhood in their lives. They are always getting out of some abusive relationship or recovering from some life-shattering thing that was so unfairly forced upon them. These are the people who have identified with being a victim and taken it on as a way of life.


Inevitably, we have all played the victim at some point - to some degree. Whether it be blaming the slow cashier for our lateness or blaming our ex for a failed relationship, we have all pointed the finger at someone else to vindicate ourselves. We have all, at some moment, shirked responsibility for our own lives. Some of us more than others.


Whether you find yourself playing the victim in small ways, like blaming others for your mistakes, or big ways, like creating a life of victimhood - your victim mentality does not serve you. And, you don’t have to keep it. You can move from victim to victor and improve your life.


A victim is someone who takes no responsibility for their actions. They fear the world and think everything that happens to them is out of their control. This mindset will likely lead them down a path of worry, self-doubt, shame, apathy, anxiety, inferiority, failure, sickness, poverty, depression, weakness, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and loneliness. 


If you have had adversity in your life (and who hasn’t?) you may have a victim mindset without even realising it. But living life as a victim is crippling.  It is a powerless life lived under the control of others.


When someone finds themselves in a crisis, they might feel like they’ve lost control over their life. This loss of agency can be overwhelming and lead to a range of emotions. Sadness emerges from a deep-seated feeling of loss, anger from the frustration of being unable to change the situation, fear from the uncertainty of the future, and anxiety from the constant worry about what’s to come.


When you live a life of victimhood, it is always something. There is always something happening that is supposedly beyond your control - something that negatively affects your life. And, everything is an emergency.


It may be an abusive partner, a toxic work relationship, an allegedly unforeseen circumstance, or anything that places you in the position of powerlessness - one of victimhood. But there is always something that seems to be tearing you or your life apart. And it never seems to be your fault.


Some of us have been through severe trauma, and some of those experiences were out of our control. But if the same type of situation continues to manifest in your life - repeatedly - you may have identified with the role of the victim. You may have taken victimhood on as a way of life. And you may unknowingly be keeping yourself in a debilitating cycle of victimhood - one that leads only to futility and discontentment.


You don’t have to continue creating this cycle over and over again in your life. There is a solution, and the solution is you. You are your saviour.


All of us get stung in life. It’s inevitable. When facing an unfortunate or difficult circumstance it’s easy to choose to be a victim. You may have been stung by someone hitting your car, a dishonest employee, illness, divorce, an angry friend or even a wasp. In those moments you might think:


Why did this happen to me?

• Why does the world hate me?

• It’s their fault.

• They did this to me.

• There’s nothing I can do about it.


If you have a victim mindset, you live from the position of helplessness.  Victims are acted upon.


Victims live as receivers and live defensively. Victims have things happen “to them,” rather than designing their own lives.


Does this sound familiar to you?  Perhaps someone has done something that hurt you, or perhaps you have had difficult situations in your life, and those experiences reach up to the present and still powerfully impact your life in negative ways.


There is no doubting the fact that some people have had very traumatic things happen in their lives.  But why is it that some people emerge as survivors and others as victims? It has to do with mindset.


When you have had a hard situation in your life, you have two choices:

  • You can give that event or person control over you

OR

  • You can refuse to give them that control.

The decision you make will determine the course of your life.


You see, you may not be responsible for what happened to you in your past.  It was not your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, to earn it or to cause it.  But you are responsible for how you respond to it today.


By holding onto a victim mindset and desiring pity for yourself, and letting that event be the excuse for your mismanagement of life, relationships and work, you are essentially saying to that event or the person who wronged you, “I am giving you power over my life. You are in control of me. I am submitting to you and becoming a slave to you. You may rule me.”


I know these are hard words, but do you really want to surrender to that person or that event?  If you are living with a victim mindset, that is what you are doing. But you don’t have to.


Remaining as a victim, there is no possibility for personal growth.


What if I told you that there’s a profound shift in perspective, a way to navigate life from a position of power, where you’re not just a passenger but the captain of your own destiny? Welcome to the transformational journey of living life not from a place of lack but from a realm of experience, growth, and relentless learning.


The first step on this transformative path is to recognise the victim mentality. It’s that subtle yet destructive mindset that convinces you that external forces hold all the cards. This mindset casts you as a passive recipient of life’s whims, leaving you disempowered and drained.


This all stems from the power of ownership. You must shift the narrative by taking ownership of your life. Acknowledge that you have the power to choose how you respond to the challenges that come your way. As Viktor Frankl once said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” It’s in this space that your true power resides.


Life’s challenges are not roadblocks; they are the very terrain of your journey. Instead of resisting them, embrace them as opportunities for growth. Every setback, disappointment, or failure carries invaluable lessons if you’re willing to learn. It’s through challenges that you develop resilience, wisdom, and strength. This growth can truly occur through the art of intention. Living from a place of power involves setting clear intentions for your life.


What do you truly desire? What are your goals and dreams?


When you know where you’re headed, you can make intentional choices that align with your vision. As Tony Robbins wisely noted. “Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.”


The Hero’s Journey: Rising from victim to victor

A victor is someone who takes responsibility for their actions. They believe they are in control of their life and welcome the opportunity to overcome obstacles and barriers. This mindset will lead you down a path of self-worth, strength, confidence, happiness, contentment, optimism, wellness, health, wealth, peace, and healthy relationships. 


Rather than be a victim, you can be a victor. You are stronger than your past. You are now stronger than that event or that person. You can choose to rise above it, take back your life and truly live.


In your mind, look at that event or that person and say, “What happened is bad. And even though I cannot change what happened, I can, starting right now, change the way it impacts my life. I will not be controlled. I will not be manipulated. From this point forward, I control how you impact me. I control the effect you have on me. And I choose to leave being a victim behind.”


This is exactly what survivors do.  Survivors choose not to be controlled by the actions of others or the circumstances of their lives.  It’s a choice.


Is it easy? No. But doing the hard work of trading victim-hood for victor-hood will lift you up from despair and paralysis.  It will energise you and set you on a path toward freedom and self-direction. Leave behind the past.  Walk away from it and run toward wholeness, stability and dignity.


Take back your life, starting now.


Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me?,” change your question to “Why is this happening for me?” Meaning, with the obstacle before me, what is the lesson to be learned here? How is this difficult situation going to mold me into a better human being? It is my natural born right as a human to adapt, overcome, and learn from the adversities in my environment. 


If you have played the victim for decades, know that you can start being the victor of your story the second you finish reading this article. If you find yourself having victim thoughts and aren’t versed in how to change them into victor thoughts, ask for help. Even victors need therapists and coaches. If you don’t have a therapist or a coach, consult a friend who you trust. 


You may be feeling embarrassed or ashamed for having victim thoughts. Please know that you are not alone. Every human on the planet experiences thoughts like these. It takes self-awareness and practice to reroute them. 


'The Hero’s Journey' is a universal narrative archetype that mirrors the transformation from victim to victor. It involves several stages, including the call to adventure, challenges and trials, mentorship, self-discovery, and ultimately, a return with newfound wisdom and strength. When a victim decides to embark on this journey, they begin to pursue learning, seek solutions, and focus on personal growth.


For my full article on 'The Hero’s Journey' click here:



A victor recognises the emotions he or she is feeling, sits with them for a bit, and then asks, why am I feeling this way? What is happening in this moment that is triggering a fear inside of me? Why do I have this fear and how did I learn it?


When life happens, instead of asking, “Why did this happen to me?” we can ask:

• Why is this happening for me?

• What can I learn from this?

• How can this lesson help me become better, stronger, healthier?

• How can I use this experience for my good?

• What will the result of overcoming this trial be?


Anything that happens to you in life, no matter how difficult, presents an opportunity to be a victim or a victor. You can look back at history and see countless examples of individuals like Viktor Frankl (how appropriate is his name?) who endured tremendous hardships in World War II concentration camps - persecution, loss of loved ones, health challenges, etc. - and used those experiences as a springboard to help and inspire others.


I’m not suggesting serious difficulties be taken lightly, but remaining a victim amidst these difficulties will only make things worse. Pain is inevitable. Suffering and misery are optional. Pain is a tool for growth. Suffering, which comes from blame and shame, is a vehicle for regression and darkness. Whether you have taken on a life of victimhood or merely wish to find areas in your life that you can improve, you are the solution. You can step out of victimhood and become victorious.


  1. Take a pause. Respond, never react. Nothing is an emergency. There is a difference between urgency and desperation. Desperation is blocking energy that leads only to obstacles and strain. When you realise that nothing is an emergency, you can handle challenging situations without desperation. You can get out of the problem and into the solution.

  2. Figure out the real 'fear' and defence mechanism behind the emotion you are feeling. 

  3. Take steps to overcome that fear. 

  4. You are responsible for your life. You are the only one who has to be okay with the choices you make in life, but you are also the one who has to live with the result of those choices. As long as you blame others and circumstances for your situation, you are willingly giving away power over your life. Your life is a canvas, and you hold the brush. Paint it with intention, purpose, and the vibrant colours of your unique journey. It’s time to explore life from a position of power, where you are the victor of your story, the author of your destiny.

  5. There is always a solution. And some people never find it because they are too busy blaming the world and its people for the state of their happiness. The solution may require work, and it may ask you to change - but there always is one. Always. You just have to find it. No matter how impossible your situation seems or how far down the scale you have gone, there is hope for you. If you are an addict, there is a solution. If you are abused, there is a solution. If you are living in poverty, there is a solution. If you are unhappy, unsuccessful, mistreated, hungry, lonely, broke or afraid, there is a solution. It might be hard to find, but the only way to find the solution to your problem is to, first, believe that one exists. After all, we find what we are looking for. The solution is always in you. It is you.

  6. Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. Your environment plays a significant role in shaping your mindset and beliefs. Seek out individuals who share your vision and encourage your growth. These people are there to help you celebrate small victories.

  7. Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Each victory, no matter the size, is a testament to your progress. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.”


Personal growth and redemption

As victims evolve into victors, they recognise the importance of personal growth. This involves developing emotional intelligence and acceptance. By rising above their circumstances, they redeem themselves from the clutches of victimhood and emerge stronger individuals.


The shift from victim to victor elicits positive emotions such as joy and a sense of redemption. Overcoming challenges and taking charge of one’s life leads to a profound sense of accomplishment. The joy derived from this journey reinforces the idea that individuals have the power to shape their destinies.


The fork in the road: Avoiding villainy

While the journey from victim to victor is empowering, it’s crucial to avoid taking the wrong turn and becoming a villain. Some individuals, in their quest for empowerment, might resort to negative behaviours like seeking revenge or victimising others. This path not only negates personal growth but also perpetuates a cycle of harm. They become villains masquerading as victims. I am sure that you have met people like this: They hide out as internet trolls behind false identities, wearing a mask, telling lies to anyone foolish enough to listen.


Guilt and negative justification: When individuals turn into villains, they often experience a sense of guilt deep down. To cope, they might justify their actions as a means of protecting themselves or gaining control. However, this only prolongs the internal struggle and hinders any chance of true redemption. Here are some of the phrases I heard from victims who turned into villains:

  • They did it to me first

  • No one helped me get to where I am, why should I help them?

  • Don’t trust anyone

  • Look out for number one

  • All is fair in love and war

  • I can’t help it if they are stupid

  • My needs far outweigh others’

  • It’s just survival of the fittest


Keys to becoming a victor

Personal mastery: Developing a sense of personal mastery involves honing skills, gaining knowledge, and taking control of one’s actions. This mastery reinforces the idea that individuals are not at the mercy of their circumstances but can actively shape them.

Practice self-awareness: The first step in cultivating a victor mindset is to develop self-awareness. Take time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to various situations. Ask yourself why you think and feel the way you do. Identify any recurring patterns of thought or behaviour that may be holding you back. Journaling, meditation, or seeking feedback from trusted friends and mentors can help you gain insights into your mindset. Notice any negative or limiting beliefs that arise and challenge them. This practice will help you become more aware of your thought patterns and provide an opportunity for positive reframing.

Growth mindset: Embracing a growth mindset means viewing challenges as opportunities for learning and growth. This perspective enables individuals to face adversity with resilience and optimism, paving the way for a successful journey from victim to victor. It’s not about being the best; it’s about becoming your best. In this journey, learning must become your lifelong companion. Seek wisdom, seek experiences, and remain curious. As Albert Einstein said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” Every experience, whether smooth sailing or stormy seas, contributes to your wisdom and personal growth. To live from this position allows you to build strength. A position of power that easily allows you to become the architect of your life’s blueprint. Design a life that reflects your values, passions, and purpose. Make choices that resonate with your authentic self rather than following someone else’s script.

Embrace challenges and failures: A victor mindset sees challenges and failures as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks. Instead of avoiding difficult situations, lean into them. Embrace challenges as a chance to learn, adapt, and become more resilient. When setbacks occur, view them as temporary obstacles on your path to victory, not as insurmountable barriers.

Compassion: Compassion is crucial in the transition from victim to victor. It allows individuals to understand their own emotions and the emotions of others. Compassion fosters connection, helping victims develop a deeper understanding of their journey and the impact they can have on others.

Leadership: True victors lead by example. Through their journey, they inspire others to overcome challenges and seek personal growth. Leadership doesn’t involve dominating others but guiding them towards empowerment and positive change.


The journey from victim to victor is a transformative one that requires self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. By embracing learning, solutions-seeking, compassion, and leadership, individuals can break free from the shackles of victimhood and become agents of positive change. While the allure of turning into a villain may seem enticing in moments of desperation, the true path to victory lies in rising above negativity and embracing the redemption, happiness, and personal growth that come with becoming a victor.


No matter what you have been the victim of on this earth, you do not have to be the victim. You can be victorious. You can release the role of the victim, the betrayed, and the abandoned. You can become the victor. You are the solution. Your fears are false and are holding you back. Stop letting others manipulate you. Take back your power. Enjoy and rejoice!


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.”







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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.




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